Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Because I'm just in that kind of a mood



Kailash Kher drives me crazy. Over and over again. There's just something rustic about his voice , and I use this phrase again, it pierces straight to the core. At least for me, it touches something deep down inside there. Polished with intensive classical 'murkiya's and "harkatein"s, yet raw and unpolished at the same time. I think a great deal of his appeal lies in the fact that his voice isn't too smooth, doesn't slide over you, but penetrates deep inside, and resounds for quite some time after. For me, personally, having a Hindustani classical connection myself, perhaps it's the inevitable semi classical element of his songs which holds a certain percentage of the appeal. But that aside, I find his voice never fails to move me. And whenever he does come out with a new song, i find it refreshing and on repeat on my playlist for a month at least, after which at some point I surface for air and  probably head back to ye old GnR =)
Why the sudden declaration of love for Kailash Kher? His new song, 'Tu jaane na ' from 'Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani'. Quite obviously, I'm in love with it at the moment- in fact guess what's playing on Windows media player as I type this ..
So, the voice, of course, there's no getting away from his voice. And then, for this particular song, there are the lyrics, which let's just say have a personal connect for me, at the moment at least- you know when some lines seem to be tailor-made for you? Though, of course there are probably fifty thousand people right now who feel like this song was written for them. I leave you with the lyrics of the song while I romanticize and read my Spectrometry report for Molecular Bio Lab tomorrow. Fascinating, no =P


Kaise Batayein,
Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,
Yaara bata na Paaye

Baatein dil o ki,
Dekho Jo Baaki,
Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye

mil ke bhi,
Hum na Mile,
tumse na jaane Kyu,
Milo ke hai Fansle..

Hum pass ho ke bhi,
tum aas ho ke bhi,
ehsaas ho ke bhi…
apne nahi..
aise hai hum ko gileh..
tumse najaane kyu..

meelo ke hai fansle
tum se na jaane kyu..
tu jaane na..
Khyalon mein laakohn baatein,

yu toh keh gaya,
bola kuch na tere sahmney..
hue na begaane bhi tum hoke,
aur dekho tum mere hi na bane..
afsos hota hai,
dil bhi yeh rota hai

Sapne sanjota hoa..
pagla hua,
soche yeh..
hum the mile
tume se na jaane kyu,

meelo ke hai fansle
tum se na jaane kyu..
anjaane hai silsile,
tumse najaane kyu,
sapne hai palko tale,
tumse najaane kyu..

Kaise Batayein,
Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,
Yaara bata na Paaye

Baatein dil o ki,
Dekho Jo Baaki,
Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye

Tu Jaane Na,
Tu Jaane Na...

<3 <3

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Procrastination


I feel content today. Suddenly. I'm not sure why.
I ignore the fact that I have a Calculus midterm on Monday and enjoy my lazy Saturday. Saturdays come too few and far in between and end in the blink of an eye. Then back to bedlam, back the madhouse and the grind. And no, I don't work in a big city office in a dirty little town, I'm merely talking about University. No time to breathe- 24 hours not enough in a day- sleep is a luxury- confusing- consuming- University.
We had our Physics midterm yesterday. Haha. It wasn't funny. That was just the mirthless laugh of someone who knows that they're probably failing, but it's alright, because so is half the class. Considering the average last year was 40% and my psychic powers don't go as far as predicting whether a car will land 8.8 metres -or (e) none of the above- away from the edge of a cliff once it was foolish enough to fall off it in the first place, I figure I shall probably scrape through. With some luck.
Luck. I've always for some obscure reason instinctively felt like I have an extraordinary amount of luck. When I fall into a mess, it always blows over, and there are chocolate chip cookies and people along the way to tide me over it. If I want something I generally get it, be it getting into the top English department in Asia or freezing in a strange cold land far far away (eh? ). If I find myself crushing on someone, by some odd twist of fate, they generally turn out to like me back. Of course, the fact that I inevitably have to move to a land far far away, just as things are getting nice and cosy is another story. When I forget the room number of the Lab I'm running to, some kind stranger always allows the strange girl with flushed cheeks, messy hair and wild eyes to access their computer. OR maybe they're not actually kind, just scared. If want a makeup set that I'm never going to use, someone gifts it to me. Or I accidentally bump into it by mistake so that it gets chipped and then my mother has to buy it for me. If there's a movie I have been waiting to watch forever, a recently made new friend turns out to have a copy of the rare CD. When I stumble and fall, there's always someone there to pick me up. Or at least watch, cross their fingers and pray from afar. And I've always had good, no, great friends. Stumbled across them, clung on and never let go. Thankfully, they haven't complained. For some unfathomable reason they seem to like making my life happier. I have a family that's endured my erratic and confused temperament and forays into unknown territories. I have people who've got my back.
Life's good.  Yes, I've been undeniably lucky. You know how they say when you're feeling down count your blessings? Well, I just sort of did and turns out that there are way too many to count. Utter gratitude to God or lady fortune.
Fell off  to sleep last night feeling utterly unhappy with the world and with myself and where I was. You see, eavesdropping on someone saying nice things about you when they don't know you're around is infinitely nicer than hearing a group of people bitch about you. Right outside your door. Where you can hear every word. Strangely though, the first thought that struck me when they did get done with the laughter and shrieks of "Omg, yea, isn't that weird", was that this is probably a good thing, cuz it taught me never to bitch about someone. Even randomly. The girl who sits in the corner, the guy with the polka dotted pants, the one who annoyingly hangs around trying to be friends. Cuz even the people who don't matter, do matter. I know that this sounds cliched, but it's sort of a 'you had to be there' thing. The resentment and embarrassment don't even come close to the hurt. So no, girls don't *have* to be bitchy. And you never know, that person could well turn out to be the next Jhumpa Lahiri or Marie Curie. Or you know, Superman!
Another thing I've discovered is "Buri nazar" really does work. Just the other day, a floormate of mine commented on my clear skin saying " I don't get it, what do you do, your face is completely clear". I replied with the fact that I had no routine unless forgetting to wash your face, 3 cups of coffee and last minute late nights counted. Also, no make-up. The next day I developed a pimple. After more than three months. I don't generally get pimples, having been blessed with clear skin. But when I do, ye Gods, it's going to be just the one pimple. Huge and painful. And most importantly, prominent. I couldn't feel more awkward and unnattractive if I was walking around with a Rudolph style red nose. Goddamn that, 'buri nazar'. On hindsight I realize, that you're probably not supposed to discuss acne on a public blog, but oh, what the hell. It's  my blog and I've never exactly been very politically correct.
I spoke to a good friend today. A best friend actually. We had a three and half hour conversation, punctuated with a few tears, laughter, ultrasonic squealing, "deep" discussions, sensitive issues, cries and moans and lots and lots of love. It made me happy.
Despite the ugly pimple and the shitload of work. Despite my midterms and despite them goddamn haters.
I feel the laou and I like.
<3 to the Transatlantic ting-tings, strawberry cheesecake to you all.
Gratitude to someone up there.
I'm going to do some Calculus.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

You


You
Are the only reason that I need
The only reason why I breathe
For why I'm going on this way
Always hoping for a brighter day.
You’re the reason that I wish
That every wish of yours’ comes true
You
Are the reason
That I want to be with
You.
I’m grateful
And I’m hoping
That soon the day will come
When I will see your face again,
And in the darkness of the day
Where comfort needs no cover of night,
In the velvet richness beneath leaves
We shall meet
And I shall spend some time
In the company of mist and dew
And
You.
Blood and hurt shall fade away,
As shall tales of misery
When darling, I shall see your face
And light up with the sheer bliss
Of being close to
You.
With every smile
And every look,
You win my heart over and over again
But darling, what is there to win,
When all of me
Belongs, you see
To
You.
Words would be superfluous,
There is no need for show
My darling, wherever you may be
Is the only place I want to go.
Thoughts and dreams are very well
But I’ve been craving reality.
A place where we both can be
And no one else but me and
You.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

2.30 a.m and I feel compelled to write


Alright, so I know this isn't original. But came across it on the net, and couldn't resist posting it. Brilliantly funny and completely sees through the most uninspired, unoriginal plot that ever captured the hearts of millions of girls, and some unfortunate guys worldwide. I believe the term used is "teenyboppers".

" 'I love you Edward Cullen' said Bella, her heart pounding as she stared at his eyes like she did every other page without fail.
'I love you too' he said, catching her as she gracefully fell over a beetle. But Edward, who ruined everything, caught her so she didn't die.
'I want to marry you, then we can have sex' she said.
Edward didn't voice his opinions about how forward that was, or that he would break her pelvis, or that because he was one hundred and seven he had
erectile dysfunction. Instead he just kissed her.
Then
the police came and arrested him because, come on, he was ninety years older than her and it was all a bit dodgy and illegal. The end.

(You know that was better than Stephenie's Meyer's ending. You know it.)"

-


Side note- Stephanie Meyer is a Genius. Hallelujah. She earned big bucks with this unoriginal piece of groundbreaking disgrace to the entire vampire community- think Dracula, Lestat and vampires who don't  'sparkle'. She deserves R.E.S.P.E.C.T , right up there with a certain Paris Hilton who gained fame and celebrity for being, oh yes- rich, blonde and ditzy.
Side side note- Meyer's "Host" isn't nearly half as bad. I actually thought it came pretty near being good despite banking on a completely unrealistic predictable ending and a character that somehow manages to be an angel landed on earth, quite literally, despite being an evil mind stealing alien.

The definition of teenybopper borrowed from Urban Dictionary- I love that site!

teeny bopper



Stupid girls of ages 10-14 who squeal and giggle so much that Satan is willing to drag them back to hell. They brag about their boyfriends and show them off during lunch by sitting in a table full of shitty stupid 'couples'. They like pink and listen to stupid bubblegum pop and think they are teenagers and try to hard to act like them. They cry when they see a pimple...FOR FUCKIN SAKE ITS JUST A PIMPLE!!! IT'LL GO AWAY AND WHO THE HELL WILL CARE IF YOU HAVE A PIMPLE!!!??? They think they're all that and dress in pink, purple, mini-skirts, and T-shirts that say, 'Pop princess', or 'Ms. Attitude' and other crap like that. They like typing like this: 'l00k AnN I hAvE a NeW cElL!!! I kAn sLeEp OvEr yay!!! Like We CaN caLl up the B0iZ and pAiNt oUr naILz!!! g2g bi!!!!' it is so annoying. They think they're all that just because they have 'boyfriends'. They don't know the true definition of that word. They often write in their online journals, 'I lOvE jAsOn hE iS sO HotT I waNna Kiz hiM!!!!' When asked about their favorite hobby, they all scream like sluts, "SHOPPING!!!!"
Bopper: Hi WuSsUp hOmIe???
Me: You boppers suck serious ass. O_o


On another note, I have fallen in love with Lifehouse all over again. Admittedly my own, somewhat complicated and confused emotions that I'm too afraid to make sense of at the moment, may have something to do with it. But still, their songs are wonderful. And their lyrics, may not have the genius of Pink Floyd or change the world. But putting it in slightly corny language, they "speak to me". Make such complete sense. I've always preferred simple writing that manages to reach to the core. You don't really need great vocabulary or grandiose language to make a point or leave an imprint.
I leave you now with a few lines of theirs' .


"The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
Is there healing?
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay... "



P.S- I freaking LOVE my friends. You guys keep me alive. T.R , S.Y. You know who you are. I love you. 'Nuff said. Also to newfound friends here, who are self proclaimed family. Though I know they wouldn't have the patience to read this, means much. Much much.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Daydreams and Kisses


 "Kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
 Lift up your open hand
 Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
 Silver moon's sparkling,
 So kiss me"

                          - Kiss Me: Sixpence None the Richer

I've recently discovered this song that's apparently been around for ages. It's called "Kiss Me" and it's by a band quirkily titled Sixpence None the Richer. This song has apparently been doing the rounds since the nineties when it shot to fame after being featured on an episode of Dawson's Creek. For the less informed, this was the episode where Dawson and Joey had their first kiss. (Cue to say "Aww" or put your hand to your heart with a beatific smile, remembering your teenage days- or if you're not a teenager dream utterly unrealistic dreams of what teenage is like). So, as I was saying Dawson and Joey had their first kiss and teenyboppers all over the world fell in love- some with that cute guy who sat in front of them and occasionally asked for a pencil in Math class, some with Dawson and some with Tom Cruise( till flash forward a few years later when he would begin eating said Joey aka Katie Holmes, his wife's placenta and  jumping on couches to declare his undying love).

I fell in love with this song a few days ago after a tumultous shift to the land of- snow, co-ed dorms, maple trees, where "sick" = "cool", guys who think you want their random freaking bodies grinding against you without prior permission, girls who think that this is normal, vegetarianism and obsession with healthy eating, curly fries, meat and more junk food than you've seen in your life, mobile companies who charge you for more operations than you knew your cell phone could perform (incoming, outgoing, messaging, caller id- i kid you not, they charge you for seeing the freaking number of the person who's calling you- in retrospect this is probably why movies like 'When a Stranger Calls' are such big hits), stereotypes, courtsey, an unseemly obsession with privacy- where a parent is not allowed to know the password or access details of their kid's bank account, even if said kid is sitting with them in the manager's office, helpful strangers, complete ignorance of other countries- "So , if you like, are Indian, how come, you like, speak English?" -and the sad part is, this is actually a completely innoccent question. The land of convenience and convenience stores which go on for miles showing you endless variety when all the while all you want is a freaking granola bar- "Would you like trail mix, blueberry, cranberry, mixed berry, fruit and nut, honey and nut, low fat, high protein...".  Where everyone including the guy from the phone company greets you with a bright smile and a "How you doing?" -not Joey Tribbiani style and says goodbye with " Have a great day" and then promptly forgets your very existence. Where you don't know your neighbour and this is exactly the way they would like to keep it, where people, especially female people have the capactiy to roam around in flimsy shorts that end before they begin in freezing weather yet wear sweaters and layers of sweatshirts on top. The land of opportunity, the passport to a successful career and recognition. The land where I'm going to live for five years.

But, I digress. More accurately i got caught up in my chief preoccupation these days- wondering about the place I've landed up in voluntarily and the results that my five year stay is going to bring about. Anyway, coming back to the song. I love it. It has this beautiful, perfect magical feel to it- like how you would like your story to go, how things would happen if the guy actually knew what to do and what to say. If somehow magically everything turned pretty and lyrical and you got that perfect kiss- and then some,from the perfect guy, at the perfect place, at the perfect time. And somehow magically, you didn't have to rush home to catch that plane that takes you far away the next day. Or in Dawson's case, the girl falling for your best friend. Anyhoo- that's life. Un-perfect. Unpredictable. For now, I shall trust that perhaps there is some method to the madness. I shall find the lyricism in the chaos and paint daydreams with accompanying 'perfect' background music playing in my head as I trudge up the road to my morning classes in the crisp cold fall. And I'll be happy. 

Snapshots


This is a look back on the past two months of my life which have been like nothing before. Other than the Canada/ Calcutta dilemma and all the other jazz, a major part of these two months has been amazingly fun. Mainly due to some awesome new people I met.
So, in random order, the people who have made Joo and the past two months what they’ve been -
Anuj- The only person I know who makes antifeminist, racist jokes and manages to look adorable throughout. Cracks up and laughs the hardest at his own jokes, sports a ‘cat got the cream expression’ afterwards which is why we laugh at the jokes in the first place. Seems to have money most of the time and not stingy, always a plus point. Initial intro to Jude was ‘3 piercing guy who gives out free fags’. Also he calls me Juno, so I like him
Dhruva- Intimidating in so many ways, completely sweet, yet intensely likeable and somehow, you wind up wanting him to like you as well. Oh, and I mean this very platonically, for those who think I make inappropriate statements. Shy knows what I mean. Brilliant songs by the way plus theatre plus guitar plus he’s in Jude, so obviously he’s not just a dumb f*** ..I shall stop listing his accomplishments now before I develop an inferiority complex.
Rudrani- Random facial expressions, genuine-ness, an “I don’t give a shit what people I don’t particularly care about think of me” attitude and the capacity to remember and sing countless purono Hindi gaan, especially Mohd Rafi, with modifications of her own. And somehow, woman manages to know everyone, or at least Something about everyone, which despite being kinda creepy, is also kinda cool. I’ve always gotten the vague impression of Rudrani being a tree with creepers creeping along and making contacts with, um…basically, all of humanity. Or Calcutta. Same thing.
Anushka- My twin in so, so many ways, we share the randomest ‘things’ ;) and opinions about the randomest things in common, the person who more or less started me off on my serious love for poetry ( mad louve), someone who’s dressing sense I admire, and the Only other person I’ve met who looks at colours as clothes. Conflicted Capricorn, smudged kajal, supersonic Bubble voice and an incredibly mishti Mishtu. Will be much missed.
Hash- Confident, Hawwt and very, very tall. Honestly, I had expected this chick to be a typical bitchy airhead. But no, she’s got to be brainy as well. Eco honours, wouldn’t you know it. Gets selected for competitions, wins around 150, goes around like an excited 10 year old telling us about it at least 50 times and then treats us all at the staff canteen. I admit to having freeloaded off her, more than my fair share. Generous and very unexpectedly sweet- many many thanks for the taxi ride and the drop off home, when I was, um…’spinning’. This is one kickass babe.
Piu- Someone I never really got to know very well, mostly due to the initial groupism. Nonetheless, can vouch for her brilliant taste in poetry, classy dress sense and somehow, I don’t know how to put it but- the sort of mysteriously interesting impression she gives off, which doesn’t come off at first glance. There are many layers to Piu, as I have been starting to realize recently. Would have loved to stay and discover more (in a purely non-perverted sense, and this means you, Anuj and Trisha) but either way, I Do know she’s a sweetheart and much love for the support post breakup.
Trisha and Shy- Don’t know what to say, and don’t know how to say it. Words cannot express what our friendship means to me and how it has touched my life and my stay in college in this short space of time. Like Shy put it once during one of our many trips to the staff canteen, this 3 girl crew was almost too good to be true. We started off after surprisingly initial bad impressions, on a bond that goes deeper than blood- Shopping! New market will never be just New Market after our Saturdays there. I shall never have Chicken Kabiraji without remembering “War! War on the meat!” or say “I shall” without remembering what started me off. Lazy afternoons spent bunking tutorials with Shy, being shushed by Trisha in class while she devours everything Tintin Da says while leching at his ears, long walks to the S9, sitting in the bus seat discussing everything that’s bothering us and everything that shouldn’t, jumping off just in time as the driver presses the gear saying, “Ami jabona!”, much to the ire of the bus-driver, laughing non-stop for 3 hours straight even at green traffic signals, the Ding Dong song, our manifestations of happiness in our fingers, same-same bottles, our mutual hatred of anyone that pisses one of us off, being taken to the Tequip building for bodily functions when all I could do was stumble and fall, grinning and dozing simultaneously, countless hugs when I’ve been down, talking me through my “lowness” and hysterical crying, Trisha’s foot fetish, Shy putting her hand over my mouth so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself, the movie like evening on the worldview steps where the last song played by the sadistic yet talented background music providing seniors ( I still think they were doing it purposely), the last day when their ‘ahem’ self defense mechanisms kicked in, nonetheless leading to tears all the same. Way too many memories that I shall never forget.
Trisha- Kickass, brilliant, pretty (no matter what she thinks) and pretty vulnerable without the armour, tough, completely sweet, way, way, way too hardworking and paranoid about her notes, her folders, her story, her deadlines, her rank- for her own good, protective, talented, the only semblance of sanity in our group, especially when me and Shy are too busy laughing hysterically at green traffic signals. The person who does the best “Oh, no you did NOT!” amongst all the people I know, the person who introduced me to it, though by her own admission I’m too nice to ever do it the way Shy and her do it- still we get past these glitches by sleeping with each other, stalking each other and getting married to each other, as Facebook would have the world believe. Love you Trisha.
Shy- Completely adorable, the only person who shares my ability to laugh non-stop for no reason, the person who came up with the original happy hand movements, the creator of “Be jealous , be very jealous” and “Streak of Blue”, which Shall be made someday, talented, pretty, has the annoying habit of complaining about being so petite and tiny and skinny that it’s hard to find clothes- word of advice- SHUT UP! Watcher of movies like ‘Bring it on!’ and one of the very select few I’ve met other than myself who actually know, memorize and sign songs like the Nirma jingle, the Ding Dong song…Shy in fact goes one step further and has this cheerleader chant going “I’m pretty, I’m cute, I’m popular to boot. “ No, no she didn’t make it up; this is from the movie ‘Bring it on’. And before I forget, the most gorgeous eyes! Love you Shahana


Now I know the both of them have already taken up more space in this note than their fair share but when it comes to saying what they mean to me, I’m lost. So all I shall say -and you see, this annoying habit of saying ‘shall’ is ALL your fault Shy. (Thanks to you the Canadians shall point at me, stare and laugh!) . As I was saying, all I shall say is I love you guys. To death and beyond (I bet Facebook retaliates with a ‘Who will haunt you beyond the grave-bot’). <3


Posso- Very incredibly sweet, one of the sweetest guys I’ve met- he actually loaned me his slippers and walked barefoot when my demonic high heels were murdering my feet- no thanks to a certain D’Costa *scowls*. I think the first person to start calling me Phoebe, which I’ve now accepted after the prerequisite amount of grumbling, Somehow he’s the only person I always manage to see, roaming around doing absolutely nothing in college, not to say that the rest of us aren’t jobless 'cuz we totally are- just that somehow I’ve never ever seen Posso doing classes! Very pullable cheeks and shows the most adorable self satisfied ‘cat got the cream’ expression when said cheeks are pulled. Oh, and the last time we met, and the first time he came over to my place, he gave my bathroom a special inauguration of sorts. Tends to be very highly filmy when tipsy, all the while remaining considerate and sweet.
Pablo- Yet another person about whom I’m not sure what to say. Started out by thinking he was the most annoying kinda vampie-ish sorta cute looking guy with the mentality of a ‘kaowra’ fifth grader. Complete bachha. Major M.C.P, and for a feminist like me, that didn’t really help his impression. Also, lack of basic chivalry! Actually, nothing much has changed since then, except now, a certain impression I had of Scrooge as being ‘Da C***s**r’ has changed. Totally. And, I actually miss the stupid things he does like dropping my bag, which was by the way, VERY irritating at the time. Or the indecipherable expressions he dons when I start rambling or speak very fast. And the endless walking. And the ‘doing nothing at all’ in the Green Zone, South City and the like. The great cake massacre and the way the people at the Kookie Jar counter looked at us, as though we were complete lunatics.
So, basically now, I’ll be looking forward to May when we shall meet again and say- Hi.
KD- The one and only Tralala man. Yes, we shall shoot the video some day! Wicked sense of humour and not at all what I would imagine a chemical engineering student (of Joo, not less) to be, from the usual engineering stereotype that I had been made to expect thanks to all the time I spent at a certain place called FIITJEE. Had already been hanging out with him for quite a while when I discovered his WBJEE rank and realized, “Daym, I hang out with smart people!” Also he gives me hope that people studying Science can retain their sense of humour, individuality and actually turn out to be pretty cool. So all you artsy types, the Science geek is a myth. So there! KD introduced me to several wonderful concepts such as the Cookie Man and The Zone which I’m sure shall help me in my future endeavors. So, as Trisha said, (though when she was not entirely sober), KD, you da man.
Anumita- Complete and utter sweetheart. What can I say? I love this girl. I love her style of dressing, the utterly funky handbags she carries around and her messed up ponytail too. I love her warm hugs and her uncanny ability to get along with um, most people. I love her taste in movies and her love for Heath Ledger. I love the fact that she Always has chocs handy, very useful when you’re feeling down. I love her puppy dog face, and yes, Onoo- I SHALL upload the pic someday. One of the sweetest people I know at Joo, I louve her and so I even attempt to like her “younger brother’ Toto, despite the evil comments he makes about certain unfortunate pictures of mine- It was the light, I swear, I don’t really look like that!
Will miss you tons Onoo.


Other people who merit mention here,
Arunava- For the pats on the head, the creepy stares, the bright huge KC Paul er chaata and the highly sweet cheering up before I left.
Jijo- For the inappropriate comments, expressions and actions. Oh what the hell, for being Jijo.
Sreejeeta, Shashank, Sreyashi, Ritwik,Shabba, Rukmini,Aditya (if only for the incredulous stares he gave me and Shy during our uncontrollable laughter phase and the Jason tales) – For adding to the fun.
Suki Di- For all the support, literal and otherwise when I was not in the best frame of mind.
Upasana- Because I think you’re cool.


Have loved every moment of Jude and Joo and outside Joo in general. Wouldn’t have been possible without y’all. Lotta firsts, lotta fun, lotta love. Will miss you guys way more than you can imagine. Till May it is then.


Louve <3

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Haze Fire


You push me this way and that
Forming, then breaking my ideas
You mould and shatter my opinions
With the ease, that you cannot show with you own

Till my thoughs have lost their meaning
And meaning is lost to senses
I can’t reach
Swirling like a whirlpool-
My thoughts
They hide elusive,
Out of reach
Tantalizing
Tempting
Mocking me in my confusion.

I see only mists everywhere
And smoke and denser steam
And fog
And vapour
And all things unclear
Vaguely roam in my head
Disjoint phrases like “responsibility”
“selfish”
Selfish?
Who, me?
Must be,
There isn’t anyone else around

If I only knew what was what
What I want
What is right
Or wrong
What I want.
What should I want?
Does it matter?
Should it?

And I’m alone in this place
Where shapes keep dissolving
And I can’t hold on to anything anymore
I’ve been tossed and turned so very much
Like a ship without an anchor
A boat that;s lost it rudder
I’m spinning
And veering
Wildly, out of control.
Drowning, and gasping
Grasping-
There’s nothing there
Elusive, just elusive

You’re tired of listening
To my never-ending quandary
You’re not listening
You hear me
And with such utter confidence
Give me the answer
It’s so simple really!
Quite, quite silly of me not to figure it out
Nonetheless, it’s solved now
And I should just accept things
Then I’ll be at peace.
You hear me
And you speak
Words that sound like
Noise.
Discordant clangs,
That make all too much of sense.

I’m tired.
So, so tired.
Can’t argue
Anymore
With myself, with you.
I submit.
You’re right.
Does that make you happy?
I’m done.
I want to forget
All of this,
Everything!
Pretend like it never happened.
Then I could almost be
Happy,
I suppose.
Does it matter?
You say it does
You say so many things.
It’s funny how
You actually even mean them.

I wish I could sleep
For a long, long time
Leave me
Alone
Here
By myself
Please.
Just, stop talking.
I’d like to be quiet
For a while.
For a long while
Blessed rest!
Till I’m at peace
And I can breathe.
I’m here
Now.
Are you happy?