It’s funny how the same person that can make you cringe and roll your eyes can also make you long for the safety of their embrace and the refuge of the nonsensical and funny. It’s funny what nostalgia and loneliness can do. How second-guessing becomes second nature. When the chinks in your armour show, and when people get too close for comfort- it’s funny how the very people who used to Be your armour are the ones you’d do anything to shield yourself from. Pity, surprise, remorse, relief. Emotional wastelands. This is just a collection of words, a feather of sighs and the sunset on a day satiated with emptiness. This is two bottles of Xanax and three hazelnut shots too much. This is the story of a life untold. Reversed. Repolarised. Redundant.

Borrowed words

"Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you, I've waited all these years
 For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

"Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation) 

I hope I die before I get old"

"If there's a god up there

Something above
God shine your light down here
Shine on the love
Love of the loveless"

"Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy                

These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

"Dancin' where the stars go blue 

Dancin' where the evening fell 
Dancin' in your wooden shoes 
In a wedding gown 
Dancin' out on 7th street 
Dancin' through the underground 
Dancin' little marionette 
Are you happy now? 
Where do you go when you're lonely 
Where do you go when you're blue 
Where do you go when you're lonely 
I'll follow you 
When the stars go blue "

Real life mimicking art/ entertainment mimicking real life?
I feel like so much of the conversation we have, or at least that I have with my friends or acquaintances or you know- people with half a brain, seems like it could belong in a sitcom. With a laugh-track thrown in. The witty comments, the hilariously dumb moments, the aww- times, the over the top whines. That kind of stuff. And when conversations are different or quirky or ABSAlootly outrageous, you feel this sense of accomplishment. Something along the lines of- "we're so special, we have such special lines, nobody else in the world could come up with this stuff, we crack us up, our lives should be a movie, cuz we're cool like that". Not that we'd admit this, or even really think it, save in that smug little glowy corner of our brain. All the quirkiness, out-of-the-ordinary-ness, being your own person- all of that. There is SO much of it going around, quirky is kind of like a 'thing' now, it's become a trend. And the more people come out of the closet, so to speak and the more 'individual' they become, the less 'special' it is. As I grow older, especially now, I start understanding Catcher in the Rye better. And I don't think empathizing with the sentiments of the protagonist really bodes well.

"and the more they are the different, the more they are the same"

I think too much, I know. I'm not saying people should stop trying to be individual. I'm just trying to figure out what individuality might mean in a larger context, really. On a different note, I went to Counselling Services today for some help on majors and focus and stuff like that. In the form I had to fill out, I added depression as one of the issues. So when I'm leaving after submitting the form, the lady comes to me with this concerned and very markedly kind expression on her face. "This problem you've mentioned", she says, pointing at my inconspicious yellow form. "How are you Feeling right now? Are you-" I interrupted her before she got all het up. "Oh no, I'll live". At this she looked even more alarmed, so I reassured her saying that I wasn't suicidal or anything. It made me laugh at the time.

Lastly, on Wednesday morning, which was Hell day considering the TWO godawful midterms I had (Organic Chem and Molecular Biol), I discovered that I'd forgotten my money at home and my Watcard was out of funds. Delirious with hunger, and after some hemming and hawing I decided to ask the librarian if I could borrow 5 bucks from the library and explained the situation. The evil woman looked at me and very firmly said that no, they couldn't have that here. My friends weren't anywhere around and I had to live in the library till 5:45 and the Biol exam. Clearly, I couldn't study on an empty stomach. This stubbly guy standing around the desk offerred to lend me his Watcard and refused to let me pay him back. The fact that the people at Timmy's thought I'd stolen the Watcard because I am not a bearded brown guy, is a different story. Usman Asaf, I don't think I'll ever bump into you again, but THANKYOU. Good samaritans really Do exist :)
Also, I love my ex boyfriend. Being called bitch has never made me laugh as much or feel so comforted. And no, I'm not telling you which one.

mad scientist- i was in the university paper

I am the Eggman

Deathly exhausted. Bile hovering somewhere in between throat and mouth. Dizzy unfocused bleary gaze at the blue glow of the laptop. A pounding in the head getting incrementally larger in magnitude. 'Duniya' from Dev D playing, the "jee, jee, jeejeejee" performing a strange loop-the-loop in my head. Now it's "She fucking hates me". Bless Puddle of Mudd for coming up with "She fucking hates me" and following it up immediately with "la la la la". This song always makes me chuckle and grimace simultaneously. It could have described the situation with Dissy down to a T. Only, I have a feeling that somewhere in that head of his (which doesn't understand simple concepts like sometimes, just Sometimes, you ought to actually answer a question) he would say the same about me. Now it's "Angel" by Dave Matthews Band. Aaaand my first proper meal of the day is ready. The microwave has beeped, Kraft Dinner Mac n Cheese is done. God bless KD, God bless Dave Matthews and most of all, God bless Terry Pratchett for creating this wonderful world which I'm about to sink into with my Mac n Cheese.

Classic comfort no, this? Mac n Cheese, Terry Pratchett and peppy music.

the perpetual look on my face these days, wincing at assignments and exams and Job-frikkin-mine.
So attractive, no?

this is a very trippy image. i like it, i like it very much. i feel this way half the time. kinda cool when you think about it.

P.S: I need French songs to listen to while studying (I don't know French). Recommendations?

We're both from The Great White North- only I listen to Maeri

If I were to write a story right now, it would go something like this:
Once, there lived a girl whose head exploded. Before that she ate sausages. Then her head exploded. The End.
(The "The End" would have to be in twirly letters like they always are at the end of fairytale books and Disney Stories). So I won't. I want to write, but I can't. I would like to dress up for Halloween, I don't know yet if that's going to be happening. I want to get over this state of inertia and I want my Facebook password back. :( I think I'm undergoing Facebook withdrawal symptoms. Loser, I. Unhappy loser. No, not really, I suppose. Just, inert, and in my case there's nothing noble about it (Inert, noble, geddit, geddit? No? Come onnnn! It's a Chemistry joke! *sigh* never mind). I wish things would come clear, as I wish the papers would end or that something would HAPPEN to shake me out of this unproductive glazed sort of monotony. Urgh! Dispassionate this, and detached. Food must stop. Like yesterday. *cue to sigh again*
Sometimes I wish I were a nun. Or 25 and already done with this crap. Just someone, somewhere, FAR away, calm, serene and happy. CONTENT. That would be nice. I watched 'Nanook of The North' directed by Robert Flaherty with Ma on Saturday after much cajoling (I'm not a huge fan of silent films- the 2 that I have watched- 'Birth of a Nation' and 'Intolerance' actually lulled me to sleep). I had a midterm on it anyway so we watched it, Ma curious and me, prepared to be bored. On the contrary it was a BEAUTIFUL movie. Some Really lovely scenes and his smile! Good God, I don't think I've ever seen a smile of such innocence, such undiluted pure JOY. I literally smiled back every time he did. It was impossible not to. Ma said it was because of his being a simple person. Right about now that sounds very Very good to me. Being in The Great White North in Hudson Bay, hunting seals, overpowering huskies and making sure you and your family didn't starve pretty much Does cut down things to basics. No time to moon, or worry or obsess when you don't know if you're going to have enough food to get you through the week. Nanook was an excellent hunter and a loving parent it seemed- there was this scene in the movie where he was teaching his young son how to use a bow and arrow, won't try to put it into words. It was just one of those scenes from the movie that stuck with me. His wife, Nyla with the naked baby tucked into her fur hood. All of the family, shedding the hides and skins and curling up beneath a great blanket-type thing, Nyla bare chested, her long big breasts, hanging loose. Completely unselfconscious. The little boy with his tiny husky puppy, cradling him against his chest. The fight for dominance between the leader husky and an aggressive mutineer. The frustrated manic snapping of the wolf who longed to sink his teeth into the massive rolls of seal blubber but had to watch chained as Nanook and his family scarfed it down, like animals, after a week of starvation licking clean the flippers and blood. Nanook's happy face peering out of the igloo door and his SMILE. Watch the movie.

trying to pull the struggling seal ashore

fascinated by the record player; he bites it a few times in his curiosity

nanook puts his child's hands to his cheeks to warm them

nyla and Her husky

nanook. almost smiling. i wish i had a proper picture.

I almost wish I was Nanook but not really. He died of starvation. So. And, no, I haven't given away any spoilers- it isn't that kind of a film. So the weekend ends. Tomorrow I get my Organic Chem paper back. Jesus.

Someone slap me. Quick!

I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety.
Maybe I'm in 'nyaka'-girl mode right now, or maybe it's just that ache in that place you feel someone needs to fill up- just so that you can Breathe. Like strong, deep, Safe breaths. (Oh, and for the people sniggering at previous line, NO, I'm NOT talking about literal places to be filled up. T.R this means You. Heh.)
But honestly, at the risk of sounding terribly naive and preteen-girl-with-alternate-pink-and-black-nailpolish- ish, I'm going to try and explain what I mean. Maybe if I put it down on paper, so to speak, I'll realize I'm being ridiculous. Hopefully.
I've been in love before. But back then it was mostly because I was stupid. My head was in the clouds and well, my heart was in somebody else's hands as Dawson's Creek puts it. Yeah, I loved Dawson's Creek- that should probably be enough of an indicator. Now I'm rambling like always, but I'll go on cuz it's been a while since I've written anything substantial and cuz I really really need to express this to myself.

Anyway so obviously, the whole high-school love story didn't work out for various reasons (Rachel and Ross 'on a break', anyone?). Which was..actually a good thing, though it didn't seem so at the time (and the two years after that in the intervals when I wasn't busy being mad and psychotically whiny). I dated other guys, most of whom have been awesome people, none of whom have worked out- obviously since I'm writing this. Had some really fun and some really shitty times along the way. I've broken hearts and gotten my own heart broken into teeny tiny scrape-it-off the-ground-and-try-to-sellotape-it-back-together-pieces. I've been through all of that. I've gone from being a floating hopeless romantic to being a disillusioned bitter cynic and finally now, to being a cynic who can't stop longing for something she fears doesn't exist.
It's irrational, I know. It's a little spineless, I know. You're supposed to feel complete within yourself. You're supposed to be satisfied with the unconditional love of your family and the best friends you were unbelievably lucky enough to find. You're Supposed to be cool with being the strong independent quirky chick who was ambitious enough to put her career before everything that was safe, and warm and lovely. I mean, it was Your decision, don't you remember? Thing is, I'm not. I'm not cool with it. There's probably something very fundamentally wrong with that- for crissake, even the Pussycat Dolls have a song titled "I don't need a man (to make me happy. ha-aoo-ha-aoo-aah!)". BUT there it is.
I miss the feeling of wild abandon. I miss the feeling of being so abso-fricken-lutely certain that at the end of the crappiest day-when your world is going to pieces, your hairdresser turned out have a Rihanna obsession, you missed your Physics exam and your parents think you've turned into an anarchist- a single phone call will fix it all. Just hearing that voice reassuring you, or falling into that embrace makes you feel like it's going to be okay. Illogical, yes. True, also yes.
I miss having someone to associate all them songs with. Why don't they warn you, that those feelings that rushed to you when you first heard them and fell in love, are always going to stay, even when there isn't a face to fill your dreams with? I miss the Safety that having a pair of arms around you affords. I miss having someone to fill in the gaps between my fingers. I miss dwindling away the hours in quiet happiness. I miss feeling like I'm That incredibly important. I miss Having someone to feel that way about. I miss caring about someone with that kind of intensity.
I'm older now and probably not very wise but I know that love can't be built on just "I love you"s without any foundation or similarities as a base. I know that it isn't all about the butterflies in your stomach but I also know that the butterflies are important. I know that you can't mould a friend into a lover anymore than you can command a caterpillar to take flight. I know it isn't all sweetness and light and I know about the boredom and monotony that sets in with any long-term relationship. I know that happy marriages are few and far in between. I wonder if growing old together- and not because you have a family, or because it's safe or because you're used to it- but just because you Want to is even possible. Even so. Despite the commitment phobia, and despite the low boredom threshold, I still intrinsically want someone. Is this social conditioning or is it an intrinsic human need? Is it just my own inadequacies? I don't know.
I'm a bundle of contradictions and I'm probably a prime example of a corny cliche that has existed since time immemorial. Blame it all on these songs. I've been listening to them quite a bit.
1)Kaate nahi raat- Ustaad Sultan Ali Khan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAWvlqsUzNM&feature=related
2)Wicked game- Chris Isaak http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oaHHrNQVrg
3)She's got you high-  Mumm-rah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKypqSL49Pg&ob=av3n