Monday, November 19, 2012

White Rabbit

I cannot stop listening to Jefferson Airplane. How fantastic, how absolutely fucking fantastic. 'Surrealistic Pillow' is playing on Youtube, and I'm writing a term paper that I'm not hating (surprisingly). If only there weren't deadlines. If only I hadn't spent my weekend watching Woody Allen films and cooking chicken with lots of onions. Onions are my favourite ingredients when I'm doing the cooking. Onions and garlic. I can't stand onions raw, but the initial sautéing of onions gives off one of the very few smells that I can actually smell- the official term for lacking a sense of smell is anosmia- I don't actually know if I have it since I've never asked a doctor, but it certainly is true that my sense of smell leaves much to be desired.
I love the feeling of discovering a new favourite album, discovering that thing that you missed in something you'd vaguely heard before. The thought just struck me that this is true for people too. It's happened before with me.
All my favourites are old.

"I can but dance behind your smile
You were the world to me for a while"

Thursday, November 8, 2012


Sometimes you don’t need anything or anyone else to be happy. Sometimes happiness has nothing to do with your future prospects, or the boy in your head, or those nights out you had. Sometimes happiness is just you walking home alone in the dark, with a warm apple cider in your hands and music in your ears at the end of an exhausting week. It’s the feeling that makes your heart skip for no reason at all as you step through piles of fall leaves, and feel the tip of your nose grow cold, as you breathe in the crisp cool air, and feel your cheeks get flushed. Sometimes happiness is just walking, tipping your head back to get the last few drops of your sweet sticky drink, and finding yourself looking up at a blue velvet sky full of stars. Sometimes happiness is deciding on a whim to walk around town and find that brilliant shawarma place you went to once, because you finally have time to waste, and because your legs want to keep moving.
Sometimes all you need to be happy is yourself. These times don’t come very often, but when they do, you think to yourself that this moment right here, is what I’ll remember about this term. You try to pin down content, but you don’t really, because contentment is when you feel like you’re floating high up there with the stars, like you’re enough. 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Strawberries on the Side

She came home after work one day
And decided that something was a little bit ‘off’
with her (metaphorical) heart-
because everyone knows, the heart has nothing to do with it really-
except for occasionally when you feel a tightness in your chest,
and even then it’s really the brain playing tricks on you
(sneaky brain).
She stared at herself in the mirror,
frowned,
and bit her lip.
She took her largest pair of scissors – the yellow ones with the chip on one side-
and cut her heart neatly out, with a trail of nerves and arteries dangling from it.
It was seeping crimson all over her brown rug
(It was her favourite rug).
She lay down some newspapers on the floor with care, to soak it all up
(she was a very tidy person).
She held it flat on the palm of her hand and surveyed it critically for a while.
It was warm, and flushed, and it dripped red down her fingers,
Creating a brown crisp covering in places.
She shook her head, and let out a deep breath,
An exasperated click of her teeth, and then she set efficiently to work.
She took that heart and she tossed it in the washer
(Luckily she had some loose change lying around- the machine was known for its exactitude)
She chopped some haricots, and carrots, and put them in to boil with the rice.
She also cleared up the newspapers and scrubbed the dried spots off the floor
(she was nothing, if not efficient).
Thirty minutes later, she retrieved the heart.
It was sopping wet, but a lot of the vessels had come loose, she noted with satisfaction.
She neatly snipped away the rest.
The heart looked almost translucent now.
She turned it over and inspected it for damage.
There wasn’t much- just one smallish hole
(and of course the gaping ones that had connected to the vessels).
She wrung the heart, squeezing out all the excess fluid.
She fancied she saw silvery things fall into the sink as she did this-
Spontaneity, warmth, vulnerability, affection-
but she hadn’t been sleeping very much these days.
She turned it over in her hands and noticed that it looked skinny-
what is a skinny heart, anyway?
She smiled to herself, and hung it out on the balcony.
A crow flew by and pecked at the hole.
It cocked its head to one side suspiciously, didn’t seem to deem it edible, and flew away.
She went off to take a shower, and got distracted by a phone call.
An extremely satisfying thirty minutes passed by, cursing the new girl at work, and the deadlines piling up.
She hung up, and suddenly remembered the heart.
It was dark outside, by now.
She retrieved the cold thing, and placed it on the dresser, while she laid the table for dinner.
Once she was done, she came back and looked at herself.
She did up her hair, fastening the tendrils in place with bobby pins.
She rummaged for the face she’d tossed carelessly aside a while ago
(She hadn't thought she'd need it again).
It was lying in an open carton by the balcony door amongst old birthday cards, raffia and cobwebs.
She dusted it clean, and pasted it back on, taking care not to catch her hair on the tape.
It looked beautiful and mysterious, and gleamed in the yellow light.
She looked at the heart- it seemed smaller somehow-
Like a deflated balloon.
When he came home, rolled up his sleeves, and sat down to dinner,
She chattered on about the funny thing that happened at work that day,
and that movie they had to see sometime soon.
For desert, she said she had something special.
She served him her low maintenance heart on a small white plate,
with fresh strawberries on the side.
He ate it while reading the paper,
with a strong coffee- black.
After he’d finished, he smiled and pushed the plate away.
“Delicious”, he said.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Late night reassurance

So there are these two articles of clothing I now own that have become the adult equivalent of a Blanky to me. One happens to be my Dada's old collared shirt that has become soft and beautifully shabby with age. It is blue and has white vertical stripes and a breast pocket. The collar is still a little stiff, a remnant of the times when Dada used to wear it to office, I suppose. It's absolutely huge for me- it comes down to a little above my knees, and my hands get swallowed up in the sleeves.
The second is this paati ganji I filched from my boyfriend on an impulse. It is literally innerwear, and I wear it at home on anxious nights, when I'm dreading looming deadlines and scary tasks ahead. Weirdly enough, it's a snug fit, despite the fact that the aforementioned boyfriend happens to be about a foot taller than me.

Anyway, so I have this exam tomorrow, and a general tense feeling in my shoulders. I did laundry a little while ago, and the ganji came out smelling of fabric softener, and warm from the dryer. Obviously I'm now wearing the ganji underneath the shirt (yes, it's cold enough to wear layers).
There's just something about knowing that the cloth that touches your skin now has touched theirs as well, at some point. It's a strange makeshift sort of intimacy that conjures up the safety you feel with someone you love.
In other news, I'm a sentimental fool. Possibly aged thirteen. Or sixty three.

*Dada is my paternal grampa who passed away when I was in the 9th grade.
**ganji means vest. I'm just not a fan of the word 'vest'.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Observations

1. The Byrds' cover of 'Mr. Tambourine Man' sounds like the stoned melting version of Dylan's. Sort of lazy trippy.

2. Things that have been bothering you cannot be wished away by ignoring them and will find an outlet somehow, no matter how mature you are.

3. Big name universities operate on the principle that everyone will be their bitch. They're generally correct in this assumption.

4. Men and women differ (leaving aside all obvious biological implications and the whole trans-gender identity issue). A lot of the cliches and stereotypes are true.

5. Smooth Reese's peanut butter cups are vastly superior to the crunchy variety.

6. People try to rationalize whatever path they have chosen as being the right and only way they could have chosen and will spend extensive amounts of time convincing themselves that they're good and doing the right thing. We spend the maximum amount of time justifying ourselves to ourselves (even if on the surface, we're explaining things to others).

7. The repercussions of the breakup of a friendship can be as painful and long drawn as those of the breakup of a romantic relationship.

8. People tend to remember who you are, and it is not always intelligent to assume that they've forgotten that they met you.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Warning: Navel-gazing in excess. The mopey sort, shoo.

I wish I could be happy, but I can't. I wish I didn't crave reassurance, but I do. I wish I didn't constantly find myself with my forehead already scrunched up, but there it is.
The only thing that makes me consistently happy, it seems- the only thing that has me going about everyday like an idiotic puppy- is impractical, inaccessible, transient, and unsustainable.

I find it hard to believe people, things, feelings, relationships. Every so often I catch myself going, "seriously, this is real?" in my head. Most of the time I cocoon this disbelief in routine, tell myself it's completely usual and not out-of-the-ordinary in the least. Defeat incredulity by reducing things, or at least normalizing them to the mundane. Maybe then I'll ground myself, and stop feeling like this is inevitably going to slip away, like it's half-unreal already.
I'm not sure why exactly there is this need to downplay things, but there it is. As soon as something happens, something awesome, there is a knee-jerk reaction to making it feel completely normal, instead of reveling in it. Is it about being cool? "Oh this doesn't faze me 'cuz I'm awesome"- who knows?
Life could be simple, it could. I feel empty. When I was little, I would wish I was a different person, with different problems and less of a destructive whirlpool for a brain. I would go to my tuition teacher's house and look at the brightly coloured family, eating pakoras and smiling big apple-cheeked smiles, and I would feel like an anomaly.
I was not made for distances, or the cold. Or stress. These are all things that I have embraced on my own. At the time I thought they'd take me somewhere better, at the time I thought it wasn't a tantrum. Most of the time, I still do. Part of the time, I drop the compulsion to look happy with my life, and act like a normal human being, and stare into this foggy path that is the future. I have no idea. I have no effing clue. What do I want? If only, I knew.
I cannot find my ambition anymore; all I feel is weary. All I want to do is let go, and rest my head on a shoulder for a while, without feeling guilty about being unproductive. I cannot remember the last time I did that- not for the last 3 years, at least. My wants are changing, my desires are changing, my plans are becoming less clear. I'm not entirely certain at this point whether this is weakness, and me being pathetic, or tiredness and me being weary, or simply me growing up. The thing is, I hadn't taken emotions into account.

What is this about? Far too many things, all of which are a tangle in my head, and a knot in my stomach. What am I going to do about it, you ask? Well, right now, I'm going to procrastinate on my lab and a couple of calm-upsetting emails, and go make some chicken-noodle soup.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

This summer I discovered in myself a propensity for hedonism and happy contentment. This seems to be carrying forward into real life. Quite alarming.