Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It’s funny how the same person that can make you cringe and roll your eyes can also make you long for the safety of their embrace and the refuge of the nonsensical and funny. It’s funny what nostalgia and loneliness can do. How second-guessing becomes second nature. When the chinks in your armour show, and when people get too close for comfort- it’s funny how the very people who used to Be your armour are the ones you’d do anything to shield yourself from. Pity, surprise, remorse, relief. Emotional wastelands. This is just a collection of words, a feather of sighs and the sunset on a day satiated with emptiness. This is two bottles of Xanax and three hazelnut shots too much. This is the story of a life untold. Reversed. Repolarised. Redundant.

Borrowed words

"Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you, I've waited all these years
 For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

"Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation) 
I hope I die before I get old"

"If there's a god up there
Something above
God shine your light down here
Shine on the love
Love of the loveless"

"Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy                
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

"Dancin' where the stars go blue 
Dancin' where the evening fell 
Dancin' in your wooden shoes 
In a wedding gown 
Dancin' out on 7th street 
Dancin' through the underground 
Dancin' little marionette 
Are you happy now? 
Where do you go when you're lonely 
Where do you go when you're blue 
Where do you go when you're lonely 
I'll follow you 
When the stars go blue "

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Real life mimicking art/ entertainment mimicking real life?
I feel like so much of the conversation we have, or at least that I have with my friends or acquaintances or you know- people with half a brain, seems like it could belong in a sitcom. With a laugh-track thrown in. The witty comments, the hilariously dumb moments, the aww- times, the over the top whines. That kind of stuff. And when conversations are different or quirky or ABSAlootly outrageous, you feel this sense of accomplishment. Something along the lines of- "we're so special, we have such special lines, nobody else in the world could come up with this stuff, we crack us up, our lives should be a movie, cuz we're cool like that". Not that we'd admit this, or even really think it, save in that smug little glowy corner of our brain. All the quirkiness, out-of-the-ordinary-ness, being your own person- all of that. There is SO much of it going around, quirky is kind of like a 'thing' now, it's become a trend. And the more people come out of the closet, so to speak and the more 'individual' they become, the less 'special' it is. As I grow older, especially now, I start understanding Catcher in the Rye better. And I don't think empathizing with the sentiments of the protagonist really bodes well.
"and the more they are the different, the more they are the same"

I think too much, I know. I'm not saying people should stop trying to be individual. I'm just trying to figure out what individuality might mean in a larger context, really. On a different note, I went to Counselling Services today for some help on majors and focus and stuff like that. In the form I had to fill out, I added depression as one of the issues. So when I'm leaving after submitting the form, the lady comes to me with this concerned and very markedly kind expression on her face. "This problem you've mentioned", she says, pointing at my inconspicious yellow form. "How are you Feeling right now? Are you-" I interrupted her before she got all het up. "Oh no, I'll live". At this she looked even more alarmed, so I reassured her saying that I wasn't suicidal or anything. It made me laugh at the time.
Lastly, on Wednesday morning, which was Hell day considering the TWO godawful midterms I had (Organic Chem and Molecular Biol), I discovered that I'd forgotten my money at home and my Watcard was out of funds. Delirious with hunger, and after some hemming and hawing I decided to ask the librarian if I could borrow 5 bucks from the library and explained the situation. The evil woman looked at me and very firmly said that no, they couldn't have that here. My friends weren't anywhere around and I had to live in the library till 5:45 and the Biol exam. Clearly, I couldn't study on an empty stomach. This stubbly guy standing around the desk offerred to lend me his Watcard and refused to let me pay him back. The fact that the people at Timmy's thought I'd stolen the Watcard because I am not a bearded brown guy, is a different story. Usman Asaf, I don't think I'll ever bump into you again, but THANKYOU. Good samaritans really Do exist :)
Also, I love my ex boyfriend. Being called bitch has never made me laugh as much or feel so comforted. And no, I'm not telling you which one.
mad scientist- i was in the university paper

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I am the Eggman

Deathly exhausted. Bile hovering somewhere in between throat and mouth. Dizzy unfocused bleary gaze at the blue glow of the laptop. A pounding in the head getting incrementally larger in magnitude. 'Duniya' from Dev D playing, the "jee, jee, jeejeejee" performing a strange loop-the-loop in my head. Now it's "She fucking hates me". Bless Puddle of Mudd for coming up with "She fucking hates me" and following it up immediately with "la la la la". This song always makes me chuckle and grimace simultaneously. It could have described the situation with Dissy down to a T. Only, I have a feeling that somewhere in that head of his (which doesn't understand simple concepts like sometimes, just Sometimes, you ought to actually answer a question) he would say the same about me. Now it's "Angel" by Dave Matthews Band. Aaaand my first proper meal of the day is ready. The microwave has beeped, Kraft Dinner Mac n Cheese is done. God bless KD, God bless Dave Matthews and most of all, God bless Terry Pratchett for creating this wonderful world which I'm about to sink into with my Mac n Cheese.
Classic comfort no, this? Mac n Cheese, Terry Pratchett and peppy music.
the perpetual look on my face these days, wincing at assignments and exams and Job-frikkin-mine.
So attractive, no?