Monday, October 25, 2010

this is a very trippy image. i like it, i like it very much. i feel this way half the time. kinda cool when you think about it.
P.S: I need French songs to listen to while studying (I don't know French). Recommendations?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

We're both from The Great White North- only I listen to Maeri

If I were to write a story right now, it would go something like this:
Once, there lived a girl whose head exploded. Before that she ate sausages. Then her head exploded. The End.
(The "The End" would have to be in twirly letters like they always are at the end of fairytale books and Disney Stories). So I won't. I want to write, but I can't. I would like to dress up for Halloween, I don't know yet if that's going to be happening. I want to get over this state of inertia and I want my Facebook password back. :( I think I'm undergoing Facebook withdrawal symptoms. Loser, I. Unhappy loser. No, not really, I suppose. Just, inert, and in my case there's nothing noble about it (Inert, noble, geddit, geddit? No? Come onnnn! It's a Chemistry joke! *sigh* never mind). I wish things would come clear, as I wish the papers would end or that something would HAPPEN to shake me out of this unproductive glazed sort of monotony. Urgh! Dispassionate this, and detached. Food must stop. Like yesterday. *cue to sigh again*
Sometimes I wish I were a nun. Or 25 and already done with this crap. Just someone, somewhere, FAR away, calm, serene and happy. CONTENT. That would be nice. I watched 'Nanook of The North' directed by Robert Flaherty with Ma on Saturday after much cajoling (I'm not a huge fan of silent films- the 2 that I have watched- 'Birth of a Nation' and 'Intolerance' actually lulled me to sleep). I had a midterm on it anyway so we watched it, Ma curious and me, prepared to be bored. On the contrary it was a BEAUTIFUL movie. Some Really lovely scenes and his smile! Good God, I don't think I've ever seen a smile of such innocence, such undiluted pure JOY. I literally smiled back every time he did. It was impossible not to. Ma said it was because of his being a simple person. Right about now that sounds very Very good to me. Being in The Great White North in Hudson Bay, hunting seals, overpowering huskies and making sure you and your family didn't starve pretty much Does cut down things to basics. No time to moon, or worry or obsess when you don't know if you're going to have enough food to get you through the week. Nanook was an excellent hunter and a loving parent it seemed- there was this scene in the movie where he was teaching his young son how to use a bow and arrow, won't try to put it into words. It was just one of those scenes from the movie that stuck with me. His wife, Nyla with the naked baby tucked into her fur hood. All of the family, shedding the hides and skins and curling up beneath a great blanket-type thing, Nyla bare chested, her long big breasts, hanging loose. Completely unselfconscious. The little boy with his tiny husky puppy, cradling him against his chest. The fight for dominance between the leader husky and an aggressive mutineer. The frustrated manic snapping of the wolf who longed to sink his teeth into the massive rolls of seal blubber but had to watch chained as Nanook and his family scarfed it down, like animals, after a week of starvation licking clean the flippers and blood. Nanook's happy face peering out of the igloo door and his SMILE. Watch the movie.
trying to pull the struggling seal ashore

fascinated by the record player; he bites it a few times in his curiosity

nanook puts his child's hands to his cheeks to warm them
nyla and Her husky
nanook. almost smiling. i wish i had a proper picture.

I almost wish I was Nanook but not really. He died of starvation. So. And, no, I haven't given away any spoilers- it isn't that kind of a film. So the weekend ends. Tomorrow I get my Organic Chem paper back. Jesus.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Someone slap me. Quick!

I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety.
Maybe I'm in 'nyaka'-girl mode right now, or maybe it's just that ache in that place you feel someone needs to fill up- just so that you can Breathe. Like strong, deep, Safe breaths. (Oh, and for the people sniggering at previous line, NO, I'm NOT talking about literal places to be filled up. T.R this means You. Heh.)
But honestly, at the risk of sounding terribly naive and preteen-girl-with-alternate-pink-and-black-nailpolish- ish, I'm going to try and explain what I mean. Maybe if I put it down on paper, so to speak, I'll realize I'm being ridiculous. Hopefully.
I've been in love before. But back then it was mostly because I was stupid. My head was in the clouds and well, my heart was in somebody else's hands as Dawson's Creek puts it. Yeah, I loved Dawson's Creek- that should probably be enough of an indicator. Now I'm rambling like always, but I'll go on cuz it's been a while since I've written anything substantial and cuz I really really need to express this to myself.

Anyway so obviously, the whole high-school love story didn't work out for various reasons (Rachel and Ross 'on a break', anyone?). Which was..actually a good thing, though it didn't seem so at the time (and the two years after that in the intervals when I wasn't busy being mad and psychotically whiny). I dated other guys, most of whom have been awesome people, none of whom have worked out- obviously since I'm writing this. Had some really fun and some really shitty times along the way. I've broken hearts and gotten my own heart broken into teeny tiny scrape-it-off the-ground-and-try-to-sellotape-it-back-together-pieces. I've been through all of that. I've gone from being a floating hopeless romantic to being a disillusioned bitter cynic and finally now, to being a cynic who can't stop longing for something she fears doesn't exist.
It's irrational, I know. It's a little spineless, I know. You're supposed to feel complete within yourself. You're supposed to be satisfied with the unconditional love of your family and the best friends you were unbelievably lucky enough to find. You're Supposed to be cool with being the strong independent quirky chick who was ambitious enough to put her career before everything that was safe, and warm and lovely. I mean, it was Your decision, don't you remember? Thing is, I'm not. I'm not cool with it. There's probably something very fundamentally wrong with that- for crissake, even the Pussycat Dolls have a song titled "I don't need a man (to make me happy. ha-aoo-ha-aoo-aah!)". BUT there it is.
I miss the feeling of wild abandon. I miss the feeling of being so abso-fricken-lutely certain that at the end of the crappiest day-when your world is going to pieces, your hairdresser turned out have a Rihanna obsession, you missed your Physics exam and your parents think you've turned into an anarchist- a single phone call will fix it all. Just hearing that voice reassuring you, or falling into that embrace makes you feel like it's going to be okay. Illogical, yes. True, also yes.
I miss having someone to associate all them songs with. Why don't they warn you, that those feelings that rushed to you when you first heard them and fell in love, are always going to stay, even when there isn't a face to fill your dreams with? I miss the Safety that having a pair of arms around you affords. I miss having someone to fill in the gaps between my fingers. I miss dwindling away the hours in quiet happiness. I miss feeling like I'm That incredibly important. I miss Having someone to feel that way about. I miss caring about someone with that kind of intensity.
I'm older now and probably not very wise but I know that love can't be built on just "I love you"s without any foundation or similarities as a base. I know that it isn't all about the butterflies in your stomach but I also know that the butterflies are important. I know that you can't mould a friend into a lover anymore than you can command a caterpillar to take flight. I know it isn't all sweetness and light and I know about the boredom and monotony that sets in with any long-term relationship. I know that happy marriages are few and far in between. I wonder if growing old together- and not because you have a family, or because it's safe or because you're used to it- but just because you Want to is even possible. Even so. Despite the commitment phobia, and despite the low boredom threshold, I still intrinsically want someone. Is this social conditioning or is it an intrinsic human need? Is it just my own inadequacies? I don't know.
I'm a bundle of contradictions and I'm probably a prime example of a corny cliche that has existed since time immemorial. Blame it all on these songs. I've been listening to them quite a bit.
1)Kaate nahi raat- Ustaad Sultan Ali Khan
2)Wicked game- Chris Isaak
3)She's got you high-  Mumm-rah