Sunday, October 17, 2010

Someone slap me. Quick!

I want to fall in love. Not the unrequited variety.
Maybe I'm in 'nyaka'-girl mode right now, or maybe it's just that ache in that place you feel someone needs to fill up- just so that you can Breathe. Like strong, deep, Safe breaths. (Oh, and for the people sniggering at previous line, NO, I'm NOT talking about literal places to be filled up. T.R this means You. Heh.)
But honestly, at the risk of sounding terribly naive and preteen-girl-with-alternate-pink-and-black-nailpolish- ish, I'm going to try and explain what I mean. Maybe if I put it down on paper, so to speak, I'll realize I'm being ridiculous. Hopefully.
I've been in love before. But back then it was mostly because I was stupid. My head was in the clouds and well, my heart was in somebody else's hands as Dawson's Creek puts it. Yeah, I loved Dawson's Creek- that should probably be enough of an indicator. Now I'm rambling like always, but I'll go on cuz it's been a while since I've written anything substantial and cuz I really really need to express this to myself.

Anyway so obviously, the whole high-school love story didn't work out for various reasons (Rachel and Ross 'on a break', anyone?). Which was..actually a good thing, though it didn't seem so at the time (and the two years after that in the intervals when I wasn't busy being mad and psychotically whiny). I dated other guys, most of whom have been awesome people, none of whom have worked out- obviously since I'm writing this. Had some really fun and some really shitty times along the way. I've broken hearts and gotten my own heart broken into teeny tiny scrape-it-off the-ground-and-try-to-sellotape-it-back-together-pieces. I've been through all of that. I've gone from being a floating hopeless romantic to being a disillusioned bitter cynic and finally now, to being a cynic who can't stop longing for something she fears doesn't exist.
It's irrational, I know. It's a little spineless, I know. You're supposed to feel complete within yourself. You're supposed to be satisfied with the unconditional love of your family and the best friends you were unbelievably lucky enough to find. You're Supposed to be cool with being the strong independent quirky chick who was ambitious enough to put her career before everything that was safe, and warm and lovely. I mean, it was Your decision, don't you remember? Thing is, I'm not. I'm not cool with it. There's probably something very fundamentally wrong with that- for crissake, even the Pussycat Dolls have a song titled "I don't need a man (to make me happy. ha-aoo-ha-aoo-aah!)". BUT there it is.
I miss the feeling of wild abandon. I miss the feeling of being so abso-fricken-lutely certain that at the end of the crappiest day-when your world is going to pieces, your hairdresser turned out have a Rihanna obsession, you missed your Physics exam and your parents think you've turned into an anarchist- a single phone call will fix it all. Just hearing that voice reassuring you, or falling into that embrace makes you feel like it's going to be okay. Illogical, yes. True, also yes.
I miss having someone to associate all them songs with. Why don't they warn you, that those feelings that rushed to you when you first heard them and fell in love, are always going to stay, even when there isn't a face to fill your dreams with? I miss the Safety that having a pair of arms around you affords. I miss having someone to fill in the gaps between my fingers. I miss dwindling away the hours in quiet happiness. I miss feeling like I'm That incredibly important. I miss Having someone to feel that way about. I miss caring about someone with that kind of intensity.
I'm older now and probably not very wise but I know that love can't be built on just "I love you"s without any foundation or similarities as a base. I know that it isn't all about the butterflies in your stomach but I also know that the butterflies are important. I know that you can't mould a friend into a lover anymore than you can command a caterpillar to take flight. I know it isn't all sweetness and light and I know about the boredom and monotony that sets in with any long-term relationship. I know that happy marriages are few and far in between. I wonder if growing old together- and not because you have a family, or because it's safe or because you're used to it- but just because you Want to is even possible. Even so. Despite the commitment phobia, and despite the low boredom threshold, I still intrinsically want someone. Is this social conditioning or is it an intrinsic human need? Is it just my own inadequacies? I don't know.
I'm a bundle of contradictions and I'm probably a prime example of a corny cliche that has existed since time immemorial. Blame it all on these songs. I've been listening to them quite a bit.
1)Kaate nahi raat- Ustaad Sultan Ali Khan
2)Wicked game- Chris Isaak
3)She's got you high-  Mumm-rah


Anushka said...

I love how you specify 'not the unrequited kind'.

Anushka said...

And aww, I wish I could give you a hug. But you know, I'm sure things will work out for you. They generally do, for people like you. You're not all that messed up, and you don't want anything more than everyone does. Social conditioning yes, but intrinsic need, even more so.

Ravindra Merthi said...

honestly speaking tht i get bored n blame myself why i m here!!!!
but these long paragraphic stories r nicer n i feel the same just like these water-drops on my face.

Ravindra Merthi said...

btw bored is not right word but m confused to find those technical words in a confession. Cant relate to the feelings of a girl. if its so:)

Shahana said...

Henceforth, we will not have conversations about love.
Because we won't EVER figure out those weird creatures, and we'll drive ourselves nuts trying to understand them, what they want, and what they mean.
It's time to stock up on ice cream, and chocolates, I think.

TurbulentMind said...

"I've gone from being a floating hopeless romantic to being a disillusioned bitter cynic and finally now, [b]to being a cynic who can't stop longing for something she fears doesn't exist[/b]."

The line above was just wow. and amazingly true. for me at least.

And there all the "supposed-to"s ..but then, we only do what we really want they don't matter..

and I also want those safe pair of arms. It isn't weak to feel this way, if you ask me. We all want that special someone..that is how we are made, be it social conditioning, or the basic nature of the human being!

yes, the wait for the not-unrequited-love is on :)

Trisha said...

i wouldn't have sniggered but then you made me. snark snark! all will come about. worst case scenario, we'll get piu to kidnap someone for you. you can keep it in a cage and love it every day.

Ravindra Merthi said...

@trisha:such a best friend quality:)

Riddhi G.D said...

@Anushka- Yea, that was an afterthought. The alternative is too much pain and effort for me to go asking for it right now! And *hug right back*:)
@RM- Heh, Okay. Thankyou all the same.
@T.M- Many thanks,nice to know I'm normal. And it isn't always what we want or choose either, is it?
@Shy-Hahahah. Retard-dating in retrospect. Hahahah..i have caramelized chocolate right now :p
@Trisha- And call it George :D