Phenomenal Woman

I'm happy. Rukma Jhildyal, I love you! I don't know whether we're going to be friends or even stay in touch 15 years from now, but today, right here, right now, I love you. You Have made a difference to my life and I'm definitely going to try.
B'bye suffocation. Hello breeze and wind. I know thing aren't always going to be rosy. They aren't always going to be great. I will probably slip and fall. I'm going to scratch my knees and bleed. But I'm going to try. I'm breathing in, breathing out. The snow is falling and I ran across the field with non-grip sneakers and I didn't slip! There will be times when I won't slip. I have a Physics assignment due in a few and you have a midterm tomorrow ( I really hope you pass that, by the way, you know, our kind of pass- not a 60% pass) but right now, things are GREAT! I can't stop smiling, There is this grin stretched across my face like a Cheshire Cat and it's getting kinda creepy now, but I don't care. And it feels So, so good! God, it feels good. Some perspective really really helps.
Goodbye bitterness. Goodbye dimunitive shrinking touch me not. Welcome back Riddhi. =D

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

P.S- To confused readers, I'm Really happy right now. Just be happy along with me, ok? This is, a Very Big Deal. So just, be HAPPY!

i would like. for things to be alright. once in a while. and then, for me to fall asleep. in security. to wake up. and find it still there.
Please.

The fresh smell of blood and roses.
The old songs of Guns n Roses.
The echoes of my variant moods.
The laughter amidst the afternoon blues.
The dewdrops in the leaves of now.
The footsteps, still in my memories; how?

One Cigarette

No smoke without you, my fire. After you left, your cigarette glowed on in my ashtray and sent up a long thread of such quiet grey I smiled to wonder who would believe its signal of so much love. One cigarette in the non-smoker's tray. As the last spire trembles up, a sudden draught blows it winding into my face. Is it smell, is it taste? You are here again, and I am drunk on your tobacco lips. Out with the light. Let the smoke lie back in the dark. Till I hear the very ash sigh down among the flowers of brass I'll breathe, and long past midnight, your last kiss.

 - Edwin Morgan.

 Quite obviously this wasn't by me, but it was too beautiful not to be posted.

Those who Know

Okay. I think most people would agree that I’m generally a pretty calm person. Not very likely to fly off the handle and into a temper. Not the type to take offence at the slightest thing. BUT. You know what Really ticks me off?

People who think they Know. Oh yes, they know. Because, you see, they just Know.

How do they know? Psychic powers? Intuition? Human insight? Stalking? All of the above? I wouldn’t know. Cuz I don’t claim to know. But these people, oh boy, do they know.

Let me explain. This is the type of person who will spend an hour trying to convince you that you will Never get over that “stud boy” you dated in high school. Never mind the fact that they don’t really know you, they will answer your frustrated, infuriated,  “ Well how the hell would You know?!” with a “ Because, I know you”.  Yes, they know you.  And no matter what you say, or what you think, they are supremely confident that they do.

Never mind the fact that You don’t really know them, nor do you really wish to. Ignore the fact that the only heart to heart’s you’ve ever had involve you feebly and wearily protesting,  “ But I don’t feel that way anymore”. Never mind the fact that they aren’t in your list of 25 people to invite to your birthday, let alone your closest circle. Regardless of all this, they just know.

They insist on coloring your life with their ego problems and their skewed romance. They were egoistic, hence you must be too. Obviously you can’t just be over that guy. Pssht *this with a gentle undertone of indulgent amusement* You’re just lying to yourself. You’re being stubborn. You’re immersing yourself in meaningless B.S that isn’t real. But for you to actually be over that guy you dated 4 years ago? Oh, God No! Inconceivable!

They try to guide you. They give you profound pieces of insight like, “Life is too short to waste”. Never mind that you don’t think you’re wasting your life.

And then of course, there’s their ultimate comeback to anything you might say.

“Just look at you!”

To these kind of people, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one remedy. One and only one means of escape, security and mental stability: RUN!

Whilst in Lala-land. Definitely maybe.

1.      1. . Adopt a kid. Preferably from the slums. This comes right after watching slumdog millionaire. But i Am serious about this one.

2.       2. Definitely get involved in volunteering. I want to teach slumkids, help out at an old age home. Maybe even a special needs centre. While im on it, maybe i should end world hunger and poverty and become mother Teresa.

3.      3. I want to become a high powered successful career-woman. This basically sounds very good, but for me i think it means that i should be rich (yes, i Am materialistic, and there is SO much money can buy. I know it can’t buy you love but is that man with a brilliant mind and the adorable smile really going to look at you if you’re the lunch lady or the snot nosed beggar woman tapping on his window? Money can buy you the assorted swiss cheese that you can only drool after as you conform to your practical Scrooge side. It can buy you that book you Really wanted to read but put back at the counter  ‘cuz 10 dollars equals Rs. 450 and there’s always the internet for reading. It can buy you that gorgeous Little Black Dress, and oh yes, it Is little ;) – that you lusted after in the fitting room of Jacobs’ or those skinny jeans that you really wanted from HnM or even Victoria’s secret which for now pretty much seems doomed to remain a secret). Anyway, skipping the rich part, for me this also means that I have to love, absolutely Love what I’m doing. IT has to feel Real. It has to feel like it’s making a difference, and it has to involve NO nuts and bolts! This is all probably ‘cuz i have some weird “I-can-save-the-world-phrenia” but in the meantime, i gotta roll with it. It means that i shouldn’t get bored of my job, or groan as i wake up in the morning and physically loathe the sheer routine and regimen of a work-day. And high powered basically means that it should leave me independent and respectable enough so that i can support myself, and provided i get married, i can kick my husband in the nuts and divorce the bastard in case he turns out to be power-crazed/ psychotic/ ever-argumentative/ egoistic/ crass/ cheap/ chauvinistic/ self-destructive drug addict and the million other things most guys generally lamentably turn out to be. Needless to say, the chances of my getting married, not so high. Oh. Now that i come to think of it, fortune And fame. Fame wouldn’t hurt- not really a priority though.

4.     4. I want to....read most of Shakespeare’s works, read Kurt Vonnegut, P.G Wodehouse, ‘1984’, Stephen Fry, get through ‘The story of my Experiments with Truth’, Umberto Eco, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, at least start Isaac Asimov, make my way through War and Peace and Anna Karenina, actually finish Emma someday and discover some unique not-so-famous author that I have stumbled across and fallen in love with. I want to track down and read Franny and Zooey, Without feathers (thanks to a certain Shogun), the time traveller’s wife and Mrs. De Winter. I also want to get deeply interested in Bong literature and read Rabindranath Tagore’s works and enjoy/ understand them as my mum has been urging me to do, since practically the day I was born. Also French literature. Not the romance novels though- okay, maybe just one.

5.      5. I want to read and gain some amount of understanding of Sylvia Plath, Ted Hughes, George Elliot, G.B Shaw,  William Blake, Carol Ann Duffy, Tennyson, Matthew Arnold, ee cummmings, Robert Frost, William Wordsworth, P.B Shelley, Mad Byron, John Dunn, Keats, Rainer Marie Rilke, Coleridge, Auden, Goethe, again Tagore and other Bangla poets whom I should undoubtedly know about, but don’t. I’m sure there are tons more I want to read but I can’t remember any more at present so let’s pretend I’ve already named them all. Oh. Also likewise for quirky obscure poet that I discover and fall in love with.

6.       6.   Someday, Someday, i want to get published. Like write an actual book. That is well received. But let’s just think of the getting published part first.

7.      7.  I want to date Sarah Palin. Okay, well no. Not really, but i thought Someone should say something nice about her, poor lady. She’s had pretty much not such a nice year.

8.     8.. I want to fall in love. The real thing. And i want it to last. I want to Believe that you can fall in love and that there Is really someone who is perfect for you. And then not have geography, time zones, history or economy come in the way. 

9.      9.  I want to have kids. Yes, despite the whole being a girl, actually having to Give birth thing, i want to have my very own child who will eventually grow up. I want to have an amazing relationship with the kid, and hopefully have him/her not resent me growing up, and be able to actually talk openly to the kid. Though i probably will wind up forbidding high school dating, cuz i know now how utterly pointless it is. Yes, I’m going to turn into my mum and the kid will probably not understand me till he/she hits college and wises up. Ho-hum, here starts the vicious cycle.

10  10.   I want to be ORGANIZED!!!! And manage my Time management skills.

11  11. I want to stay best friends with my current best friends. Because i love them. And i hate how time can change people and relationships.

12   12 I want to go to Paris and spend a day in the Louvre. I want to go backpacking in Europe and India with important and fun people. I want to visit Amsterdam and Germany and Vienna and Rome and spend at least 5 days in each. I want to go to the Sunderbans and one day shanitiniketan with friends. I want to taste goat’s milk. And snake. And Frog’s legs.

13   13.  I want to go to a rock concert. I wish the real GnR still existed. I wouldn’t mind Lifehouse though, even if they don’t qualify as rock. I want to go to the opera. Not the Chinese opera. I want to see? Go to? Bleh, i want to see an actual Broadway production. I want to attend Indian classical music concerts ‘cuz i haven’t been to very many.

14  14.  I want to watch vanilla sky, breakfast at tiffany’s, American beauty, requiem for a dream, psycho, Rebecca, jane eyre, interview with a vampire, Fight Club,  girl interrupted, hard candy, Vicky Christina Barcelona, autumn sonata, there’s something about mary, con air, Perseopolis, Dracula, chandni bar, Paris Je’taime, after sunset, before sunrise, steel magnolias, sunflower, the birds, scent of a woman, schindler’s list, the soloist, the pianist, one hour photo, annie hall, scoop, 7 and a half weeks, the graduate,  Charlie chaplin/ laurel and hardy stuff, gone with the wind (not in bits and pieces), here on earth, titli, panther panchali, apur sansar, the godfather, Casablanca, crush, French films in French and i honestly can’t remember the others. I should make a list. Which is more or less why i’m making this list now.

15  15.  I want to learn French. And German. And Italian, now that i come to think of it. Speaking and reading.

16  16.   I want my parents to be genuinely proud of having me as their daughter. To not have some snotty dull boring kid of a family friend pointed out as “ki bhaalo”.

17  17.   If i do get married, i really really Really want to have two weddings. With the same person though. One Bengali and one Christian, cuz i CanNOT get over the idea of the perfect white dress and the gorgeous ceremony and the whole “you may now kiss the bride” thing. This basically reaffirms my suspicion that I’m never gonna wind up married.

18  18.   I want to discover a cure for alzheimers. Or at least further the progress a lot. And make a difference in the lives of at least a Few cancer patients and actually constructively help them out. No, I’m not putting this in cuz it sounds good. I find the biology of cancer incredibly fascinating, challenging and a lot of my family has passed away thanks to cancer. So. There you go.

19  19.   I want to freaking lose weight. Please. Please. Please. Plisss!!! I want to become a size 6, honestly, I’m not fussy. Size 0 is just a hypothetical number to me, but a size 6? Come on God, i’m low maintainence in this regard. That’s got to count for something right? Someday i want to wear a two piece bathing suit. And carry it off. Skip this part. Quick.

20  20.   Someday, some f-ing day, i want to have gorgeous hair with a streak of blue and become calmer and more mentally stable.

21  21.   I want to be a gorgeous grandma ;) Like Sally Fields. Though i have no idea whether she’s a grandma or not. She Is gorgeous though.

22  22.   I want to learn how to cook and bake. And do both well.

23  23.   I want to live in New York City for a while. Have the whole penthouse overlooking gorgeous view of city skyline and carpet of lights at your feet type fantasy.

24  24.   Someday, i shall get over my fear of the dark. And the creepies that accompany it.

25  25.   One day on a blue moon i shall leave behind the cutesy quirky innocent image and pull off the whole seductive thing. Once in a blue baboon.

26  26.   I want to learn how to dance. Well. How to waltz and maybe salsa.

27  27.   Someday i want to be confident. Some day. Till then i shall pretend.

28  28.   I want to take up singing again and get involved in classical north Hindustani vocals.

29  29.   And find someone who will teach me to play the guitar.

30  30.   Or maybe get married to a rich guitar playing poet with a “real job” and an adorable smile. Okay, so the last three points should have been one, but i have a thing for round numbers.

Lalala, Lobodongka!