how afraid I am to be happy. It's a realization that knocks softly, and quietly startles me each time. It's like back in high school where I was that annoying topper kid who would never say that a paper went well. I'd always go on and on about how I was certain I'd failed, and I wasn't really faking it or deliberately being an ass. It was just that I was too terrified to even articulate to myself that I might've given an okay paper because that would definitely jinx it. And so it goes in real life. Even if something's coming along nicely- an interview, a job a relationship, a friendship, whatever- I can rarely ever bring myself to say it. Everything must be downplayed, always. Always look on the dark side of life? Good lord, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Dear brain, are you listening? It is a strange feeling to be living consciously, but that's what I'm trying to do these days. 2012 is turning me into an adult. It's all terribly unsettling.
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