It's the strangest thing. I was going to write about separating the essential from the inessential. And disconnecting. Then I read something which made me rethink and shape my ideas with more honesty and clarity.
What I have been doing:
Separating the essential from the inessential.
Since the beginning of this year, I have turned (mostly) vegetarian, developed an easy camaraderie with people at work, stepped out of my comfort zone, and entertained the possibility that I'm alright.
What I have realized: I turn older, I run out of patience. I have no patience with people who are inconsistent, and who take more than they will ever give. I really love few people, and I love them fiercely. My time is limited, but I will give it without reservation to them. The rest I have no time for. I am not one for social niceties. I thought I was, but I'm not, and I'm strangely happy with this decision. I will not waste my time with people I don't really want to any longer. It is my time after all.
I am a possessive little brat. Who tries very hard to be pretend to be a grownup. I'm not really sure what to do about this, but I do know that I need reciprocity when it comes to being essential. To be really free is to remove oneself from the need for anything, or anyone save the few biological requirements. You are then the sole master of your heart, your moods, your life. I do not want this freedom. Another kind of freedom lies in trusting someone else with the capacity to hurt you. In making someone an essential when they do not have to be. This is the one I instinctively choose, and prefer for myself, after having given it some thought.
Which brings me to: Sometimes taking a step back is necessary. A slight shift of the frame brings back the perspective that was hard-won and then discarded- slowly, and then all at once. I have realized that you do not really need anyone. Not really, you don't. Allowing yourself to is terrifying, but it also brings with itself the second kind of freedom, that can make life immeasurably richer if you let it.
I have realized that I do not want to be a doctor. And that I want to teach and get my hands dirty with the children. That I am not a cynic, and I never want to be. That it s important to differentiate between what you really want and what you think you should want.
I have realized that I have a choice now between viewing my life as a straight trajectory of what I could do, and what would suit my career best, or letting it become slightly unpredictable and geared towards experiences I would like to have. Not having a straight career path is borderline terrifying, and such a choice would be something that I would admire in someone else. Using myself as an experiment, is both something I long to do, and something I'm incredibly nervous about.
I'm a clingy monkey, lazy and irresponsible. I want to be the opposite.
The old motto of the lab I'm at used to be "Do something". I think I shall try very hard to adopt it as my own. Do something.
I partied away the last two days, and felt really old. Today I woke up without a hangover to a phone call from the mater, and listening to my thamma's quavery voice over the phone. She is not amused with the vegetarianism. I skyped with Upi and had a brief glimpse of Mishtu and shared virtual hugs with Shalmus. I also devoured the majority of a pumpkin pie.
What I want to do moving forward:
gain some perspective. take a step back.
get the ball rolling on life after undergrad
take greater care of my hair and my body (time to read that damn yellow book again). i'm thinking it's time to get a haircut that always brings a change.
unpack my life, and set up house properly.
stop feeling obligated to do things and meet people and spend my time on things because it seems like I should.
be productive and a step ahead at work. do something.