Haze Fire

You push me this way and that
Forming, then breaking my ideas
You mould and shatter my opinions
With the ease, that you cannot show with you own

Till my thoughs have lost their meaning
And meaning is lost to senses
I can’t reach
Swirling like a whirlpool-
My thoughts
They hide elusive,
Out of reach
Tantalizing
Tempting
Mocking me in my confusion.

I see only mists everywhere
And smoke and denser steam
And fog
And vapour
And all things unclear
Vaguely roam in my head
Disjoint phrases like “responsibility”
“selfish”
Selfish?
Who, me?
Must be,
There isn’t anyone else around

If I only knew what was what
What I want
What is right
Or wrong
What I want.
What should I want?
Does it matter?
Should it?

And I’m alone in this place
Where shapes keep dissolving
And I can’t hold on to anything anymore
I’ve been tossed and turned so very much
Like a ship without an anchor
A boat that;s lost it rudder
I’m spinning
And veering
Wildly, out of control.
Drowning, and gasping
Grasping-
There’s nothing there
Elusive, just elusive

You’re tired of listening
To my never-ending quandary
You’re not listening
You hear me
And with such utter confidence
Give me the answer
It’s so simple really!
Quite, quite silly of me not to figure it out
Nonetheless, it’s solved now
And I should just accept things
Then I’ll be at peace.
You hear me
And you speak
Words that sound like
Noise.
Discordant clangs,
That make all too much of sense.

I’m tired.
So, so tired.
Can’t argue
Anymore
With myself, with you.
I submit.
You’re right.
Does that make you happy?
I’m done.
I want to forget
All of this,
Everything!
Pretend like it never happened.
Then I could almost be
Happy,
I suppose.
Does it matter?
You say it does
You say so many things.
It’s funny how
You actually even mean them.

I wish I could sleep
For a long, long time
Leave me
Alone
Here
By myself
Please.
Just, stop talking.
I’d like to be quiet
For a while.
For a long while
Blessed rest!
Till I’m at peace
And I can breathe.
I’m here
Now.
Are you happy?

Forever

Forever's in a moment
When I look at you, asleep and unaware
When I catch you stealing a glance at me
When our eyes meet across a crowded room
When you take my hand in a crowd- unashamed and I feel proud,
Forever's there.

Forever's in the moment
When our eyes meet in a secret smile we share
In a walk in a sudden summer shower
In a stolen kiss
In your arms, where I feel safe,
Forever's there.

Forever's in your smile
Just that- your perfect smile.
In the way your eyes crinkle, and that smile comes, a little at a time.
Forever's in the way you laugh
Openly and unafraid- like you mean it.
And the way you look at me
Like you care, like i matter,
Forever's there.

Forever's in the moments we've spent together
All of them, taken together
Enough to build a lifetime with.
Forever's in the memories we've made.
Forever's in right now,
Right here.
When I'm thinking of you,
Forever's there.

And when we don't see each other anymore
If our lives don't entwine
We'll always have forever,
Forever's mine.

Musings at 2 a.m

2 a.m in the morning at the start of a brand new month and I can't get any sleep. After trying the time tested method of counting sheep, I'm still wide awake. Admitted, sheep are exceedingly boring creatures- all they do is eat grass and baa- occasionally inspiring the odd nursery rhyme or giving a name to the "wild 'un" of the family. Granted, all their grey-white fleece, their meek natures and their unwavering faith in the shepherd have inspired millions over the ages and embodied Christian ideals; but the fact remains that they cannot lull me to sleep.
My mind insists on wandering from sheep to the pasta i had for dinner tonight to my brother's astonishing capacity to watch an entire Hannah Montana marathon earlier this evening. Now this might qualify as normal behaviour, coming from a sixth grader, but my brother is in the eight. He proudly carries around the beginnings of a moustache on his upper lip and a small red pimple adorns his nose. His voice has started to break and the callers on the telephone no longer confuse his voice with mine. He has started nursing affections for girls his age who no longer seem "gross" or "dumb" to him but appear to be creatures whom he intends to awe with all the wit and sophistication posessed by a 13 year old. Thus my surprise at his sudden lapse in 'eight grade aloofnes this evening.
Now for the uninitiated, this is not a normal occurence- my brother is normally inclined to WWE and all that is John Cena or at least anything that involves men running around with bats and balls. However tonight, trapped in the freezing comfort of an aunt's bedroom my brother for some reason decided to indulge his -er- feminine side, munching happily on crackers and garlic spread, while I spent my time trying to understand William Blake and ignoring the annoyingly catchy chorus that kept cropping up at regular intervals ("You get the best of both worlds......Superstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!") which has since then taken bup residence in my head and refused to leave.
Fighting its way through the background music in my head rises the thought that my little brother is growing up. Apart from the obvious - extra hair, and great quantities of it- he's transformed into someone who often lapses into moody silences, who prefers solitude to spending time with his Didi and who no longer thinks that everything I do is cool. He no longer apes my sense of humour, my way of speaking or my choice of TV programs. He's becoming someone quite different from the little boy I used to know, with spiky hair and a ready smile. He doesn't share all his secrets with me and uses certain words at his age with a nonchalance that leaves me speechless. My mother often tries to drive into us the fact that we are growing apart. A fact that my brother tries to ignore with his self- assured bratty smirk and that I cover up with my hectic schedule of college-friends-work. We both know she's right though, and I sometimes wonder if this is how it's supposed to happen. If after the intial closeness shared by us, we're supposed to grow apart.
These days we hardly see each other and our encounters at home don't include much conversation. The little interaction we do seem to have is generally limited to phrases like "Loser", "Don't snitch to Mum!", "Gimme the remote!", "Did YOU eat the last cookie?!"..
Not muich scope for heart to hearts, and even if there were, I doubt that we would have them. But sometimes, I can't help wishing that even as we continue to gorw and change, we'll stay connected. And then I come across evenings like today- where my brother abandons his coolness, I abandon the mobile phone and for a while, we bridge the gap, laughing at some blonde bimbette with a Southern twang, pretending like she can actually play the guitar.
It's 3 a.m in the morning and I should get some sleep. I shall ignore the lizard which is surreptitiously making its way over to my bed, put on my headphones and try to drown out the Hannah Montana theme song playing in my head with some Def Lepard. Hopefully I shall succeed. If not, I could always count sheep.