Saturday, August 22, 2009

Haze Fire


You push me this way and that
Forming, then breaking my ideas
You mould and shatter my opinions
With the ease, that you cannot show with you own

Till my thoughs have lost their meaning
And meaning is lost to senses
I can’t reach
Swirling like a whirlpool-
My thoughts
They hide elusive,
Out of reach
Tantalizing
Tempting
Mocking me in my confusion.

I see only mists everywhere
And smoke and denser steam
And fog
And vapour
And all things unclear
Vaguely roam in my head
Disjoint phrases like “responsibility”
“selfish”
Selfish?
Who, me?
Must be,
There isn’t anyone else around

If I only knew what was what
What I want
What is right
Or wrong
What I want.
What should I want?
Does it matter?
Should it?

And I’m alone in this place
Where shapes keep dissolving
And I can’t hold on to anything anymore
I’ve been tossed and turned so very much
Like a ship without an anchor
A boat that;s lost it rudder
I’m spinning
And veering
Wildly, out of control.
Drowning, and gasping
Grasping-
There’s nothing there
Elusive, just elusive

You’re tired of listening
To my never-ending quandary
You’re not listening
You hear me
And with such utter confidence
Give me the answer
It’s so simple really!
Quite, quite silly of me not to figure it out
Nonetheless, it’s solved now
And I should just accept things
Then I’ll be at peace.
You hear me
And you speak
Words that sound like
Noise.
Discordant clangs,
That make all too much of sense.

I’m tired.
So, so tired.
Can’t argue
Anymore
With myself, with you.
I submit.
You’re right.
Does that make you happy?
I’m done.
I want to forget
All of this,
Everything!
Pretend like it never happened.
Then I could almost be
Happy,
I suppose.
Does it matter?
You say it does
You say so many things.
It’s funny how
You actually even mean them.

I wish I could sleep
For a long, long time
Leave me
Alone
Here
By myself
Please.
Just, stop talking.
I’d like to be quiet
For a while.
For a long while
Blessed rest!
Till I’m at peace
And I can breathe.
I’m here
Now.
Are you happy?

2 comments:

Trisha said...

powerful and beautiful piece.

also, if you need to talk, call :-)

scholargipsy said...

thanks..written when dad initially announced the news as it stand today.. apparently i didn't handle it all that well, as today would testify.
anyway i is better now. =)