Friday, August 31, 2012

Of talking cats and contradictions

If anyone happens to be feeling particularly fond of me, this is what they should get me:

A General Theory of Love by psychiatrists Lewis, Amini and Lannon which explains why the Beatles might not have been too far off the mark when they said that "All you need is love". Psychology, neurobiology and the human condition have got to be three of my favourite things.

I just finished reading Kafka On The Shore by Murakami, and suddenly everything seems a little unreal, a little far off. There is a Satya Narayan puja at my house later today and oddly enough, I'm no longer annoyed about it. Murakami does strange things to me. Y'know, the book is beautiful, surreal, interesting, strange, full of cats- everything you'd expect from a Murakami, but the end sort of left me in the lurch. So there's this boy and he goes on a journey, meets all these people, their lives intersect in ways they're unaware of, making ripples in other's lives and yadda yadda yadda but so What? Nothing is explained, nothing is really resolved, and I guess that bugs me. Sort've in a what's the point kind've way. But I guess that's life. Fluid and elusive and more often than not, episodes have no real conclusion or closure. Frames gently shift and things merge into one another till before you know it, some things have been completely purged from your life and  you can't even begin to remember a birthday. When I was young(er) and stupid(er), this thought would often drive me to gloom- the fact that life goes on, and feelings change and nothing can really ever be pinned down and known with absolute certainty. These days it bugs me less. You begin to see the beauty in change, and the shifting patterns. There's a wonder in not knowing, and finding out. There's also such beauty in familiarity, and solid ground, and in starting to take certain things for granted.

How can something so transient seem so permanent? The thing is, potential. I flew south for the summer, and like Mr. Nakata said, (and Colonel Sanders, yes) what's been opened must be closed. Things have to be put right. But I bruise easy, it seems.

I haven't been able to write lately because my thoughts are too full of one thing for me to say anything of much consequence. So I've been reading a lot instead. Reading, and stumbling into the lives of whorebabies, and er, working out. I'm trying to be gentler these days. The more I circle the sun, the more I begin to value kindness in others. The more I keep realizing in this sort of panic, that I don't have much time. I mean, literally speaking this summer has been very Endless Numbered Days, but even beyond that, just life y'know? My room-mate died earlier this year and while it plunged me into depression for a bit, and reminded me of exactly how fleeting and utterly senseless life can be, it wasn't really life-changing in terms of my whole attitude towards life. I didn't sell my metaphorical ferrari or - actually, I semi take that back. It set off a train of events that have been interesting and unpredictable.

This post is full of contradictions and faulty grammar, but life is full of paradoxes so you'll just have to deal with it. I have however, scattered interesting links throughout so hopefully that makes up for it.

I will leave you with this list of books on music and the brain from a site that I love very much. If you're feeling unaccountably fond of me....you know what to do.
Also, this passage from Kafka on the Shore:

“According to Aristophanes in Plato's The Banquet, in the ancient world of legend there were three types of people", Oshima says. "Have you heard about this?" 

"No"

"In ancient times people weren't simply male or female, but one of three types : male/male, male/female or female/female. In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. Everyone was happy with this arrangment and never really gave it much thought. But then God took a knife and cut everyone in half, right down the middle. So after that the world was divided just into male and female, the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their missing half.”

I liked Oshima. He was a very interesting character. While talking about why he likes to listen to Schubert while driving: But listening to the D major, I can feel the limits of what humans are capable of- that a  certain type of perfection can only be realized through limitless accumulation of the imperfect. And personally, I find that encouraging.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

you are a bad idea come to life. i have wrapped you up in rainy days and soft blankets, and dressed you up in summer. you smell of smoke and taste of happiness; you are not mine to keep. you are the fun mistake i wished for at the start of this year. comfort, and laughter, and unexpected warmth. you are an impulse i don't regret. it has been a long time, and the first time. i'm spinning, i think. 

Monday, August 6, 2012

There is definitely way too much oxytocin in my brain right now. I didn't ask for this. It just happened. The part of my brain that isn't drowning in it keeps flipping between Ohshit and Ohwell. Hello crazyperson. JUST Keep calm and murder everyone.
Look, here's a song.

And a picture of zombies.

Happy birthday, you loon.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

So if I post about how I've been as useless and as happy as a puppy on crack lately, I'm going to come across as a tad bipolar. So I will say this instead:
What I want is a long lazy day with overcast skies and wide open windows. Good music perhaps. Banana bread that I made. Port wine is a possibility but not a necessity.We could watch a movie or two. I could relax. It would be so easy. Like breathing.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

General Fuckery

so i wake up in the morning, and i'm immediately hit with a reminder of exactly why i felt the urge to get shitfaced these last two days. wake up, go to work, meet people, turn up, tune in, drop out. drop out, drop out, drop out. drop out of character, drop out of whatever person you're supposed to be working towards becoming, drop out of your inhibitions and just spew whatever you're thinking- no say Everything you're thinking to the point where you can't even remember what you said anymore, because you've been speaking Excessively. have didireallysaythat, didireallydothat, butidon'tremember moments over and over again. just stop thinking about it because every time you do, it makes you cringe. excessive cringing will definitely give you wrinkles and aggravate the knot of tension in the spot exactly equidistant from your shoulder blades.stop cringing. be unable to stop cringing. drink some more. do more stupid things. cringe more. stagger home, pass out. wake up with everything still spinning. start off the day and do it all over again.
trivialize everything. nothing important must EVER get out. feel unsure. feel unsure about everything. disconnect to such an extent, that you can't figure out how to switch on again. briefly feel like things have changed irrevocably, have #darkmomentsomanyfeelingsohthevoid and pass out. feel permanently zoned out, like your brain has evaporated somehow leaving you with a little dust and a propensity for hedonism.
ache. ache for things you're afraid to vocalize. ache to run away. ache for something Permanent. wish that you could take a great big stamp and go around labeling things just so you'd know they exist. crave security, crave rootlessness, crave reassurance, crave reciprocity. always, always, always crave cake.
listen kids, alcohol is not the way to deal with your problems. trust me, i should know.
feel impatient, feel insecure, feel betrayed, feel paranoid, feel unreal. go around checking off cliches one by one. regret things for only about a millisecond, cuz that's when you start doing more things and there's no time to think. maybe it's better this way. balance? what balance?
feel incredulous and laugh at yourself a little because a few days ago, you were so fucking happy, it wasn't even real. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Rainy day weather. The whole house has become dark and no one is switching on the lights. It is brilliant in a gloomy atmospheric way, only I'm not gloomy- there's a little kid squeeing somewhere in my brain. She is also doing somersaults.
Perfect, perfect, perfect for sitting on the balcony in tattered shorts and tee with a book that I will start and finish by today. There is just something beautiful about the way a pair of tattered shorts and falling-to-pieces ganji can make you feel. Weirdly connected but disconnected to your body at the same time. Like my limbs aren't a part of me, but they're something I can appreciate the there-ness of. God bless whoever thought it would be a good idea to start ripping up pants.
There are two books I'm longing to sink my teeth into, and I can't decide which one to start first. Of Mice and Men, or Confederacy of Dunces? Who knows these things? By the end of today, I shall.
It is the time for breathing in deeply, listening to exclusively hindi music and reading. With a fruit to munch maybe. So I goes. Excuse the incoherence- I'm frequently incoherent, but when I'm being incoherent in this way, you know I'm happy.
These are my plans for the whole entire day till 5. Which is when there is a party. Did I mention I love Saturdays? I did? Now you know.
Thunder! *runs off*

Sunday, July 1, 2012

My transcription angst has started to manifest itself in strange ways. I am beginning to vaguely resemble my Tamil teachers back in school. I have been wandering around the house, laptop in hand, big clunky headphones and thick black glasses adorning said head, with vaguely distracted mournful air. Anyone who even attempts to talk to me is immediately met with shushing, one-handed flapping and a glare only deserved by an axe-murderer or Lady Gaga. My hair is clasped back in an ancient clip that has lost all it's teeth on one side, so it is hanging loose in that vague style that all my South India teachers would adopt back in school- I am lacking the white flowers (jasmine?) though. Yes, I am stereotyping, but what to do? I really did have such teachers. I have begun to speak in a very reasonable sounding Tamil accent (makes owner of accent sound matter of fact, but you can tell she's a decent-nice type) and I keep saying "enduhtheday".
By the enduhtoday, this shall all be over and I shall stop writing too many inane blog posts.
The second file that I have Just started has one Tamil and one Bong accented person. This should be....interesting.
Enduhtheday.