so i wake up in the morning, and i'm immediately hit with a reminder of exactly why i felt the urge to get shitfaced these last two days. wake up, go to work, meet people, turn up, tune in, drop out. drop out, drop out, drop out. drop out of character, drop out of whatever person you're supposed to be working towards becoming, drop out of your inhibitions and just spew whatever you're thinking- no say Everything you're thinking to the point where you can't even remember what you said anymore, because you've been speaking Excessively. have didireallysaythat, didireallydothat, butidon'tremember moments over and over again. just stop thinking about it because every time you do, it makes you cringe. excessive cringing will definitely give you wrinkles and aggravate the knot of tension in the spot exactly equidistant from your shoulder blades.stop cringing. be unable to stop cringing. drink some more. do more stupid things. cringe more. stagger home, pass out. wake up with everything still spinning. start off the day and do it all over again.
trivialize everything. nothing important must EVER get out. feel unsure. feel unsure about everything. disconnect to such an extent, that you can't figure out how to switch on again. briefly feel like things have changed irrevocably, have #darkmomentsomanyfeelingsohthevoid and pass out. feel permanently zoned out, like your brain has evaporated somehow leaving you with a little dust and a propensity for hedonism.
ache. ache for things you're afraid to vocalize. ache to run away. ache for something Permanent. wish that you could take a great big stamp and go around labeling things just so you'd know they exist. crave security, crave rootlessness, crave reassurance, crave reciprocity. always, always, always crave cake.
listen kids, alcohol is not the way to deal with your problems. trust me, i should know.
feel impatient, feel insecure, feel betrayed, feel paranoid, feel unreal. go around checking off cliches one by one. regret things for only about a millisecond, cuz that's when you start doing more things and there's no time to think. maybe it's better this way. balance? what balance?
feel incredulous and laugh at yourself a little because a few days ago, you were so fucking happy, it wasn't even real.
trivialize everything. nothing important must EVER get out. feel unsure. feel unsure about everything. disconnect to such an extent, that you can't figure out how to switch on again. briefly feel like things have changed irrevocably, have #darkmomentsomanyfeelingsohthevoid and pass out. feel permanently zoned out, like your brain has evaporated somehow leaving you with a little dust and a propensity for hedonism.
ache. ache for things you're afraid to vocalize. ache to run away. ache for something Permanent. wish that you could take a great big stamp and go around labeling things just so you'd know they exist. crave security, crave rootlessness, crave reassurance, crave reciprocity. always, always, always crave cake.
listen kids, alcohol is not the way to deal with your problems. trust me, i should know.
feel impatient, feel insecure, feel betrayed, feel paranoid, feel unreal. go around checking off cliches one by one. regret things for only about a millisecond, cuz that's when you start doing more things and there's no time to think. maybe it's better this way. balance? what balance?
feel incredulous and laugh at yourself a little because a few days ago, you were so fucking happy, it wasn't even real.
5 comments:
u r d possessor of a beautiful paint-brush..choose ur colors well!
arright, i'll try man. care to delurk, anonymous? :)
ltz cl me mr.stalker 4 nw..cuz i‘v read a lot of ur writeups n postd anonymous cmnts on a few..
It's weird how too much happiness feels unreal but too much ennui feels all too real. In a kind world that made sense, it should have been the other way 'round. But well, this thought - "wish that you could take a great big stamp and go around labeling things just so you'd know they exist." I get. One wishes things were less trivial and more, I dunno, weight-y?
As for reassurance, that always helps. Occasionally more than cake does. Hell, sometimes I think it's five-eighths of my job. :D
You're so right. I have really missed this. :)
And I've missed YOU! I'm glad I managed to draw your attention this way =)
I'm as bipolar as could be, I suppose. The blog definitely reflects that. I wish it were possible to reach some sort of more steady medium instead of continuously being all shook up on highs and lows. I have a feeling that you wouldn't really have that issue. It's this more calm sort of vibe you give of- and thank God for that, given your job!
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