I am the Walrus

“All you need is love! PararapapapaPA !“

The ‘Parara’, with the prerequisite amount of pa’s is an add-on from me. I think it completes the line. Which otherwise kind of hangs. The number of “pa’s” is crucial. I think the ‘parara’ was at some point supposed to denote a trumpet. Or a tuba, whatever that instrument was. I’m not one of those people who play 10 different kinds of instruments and can simultaneously play the harmonica or whistle Beethoven’s fifth symphony with crackers in my mouth. Hang on, did he have a fifth symphony?

Yes, I am just That ignorant. And for some reason I display my ignorance on this blog. But I am learning. Right now I’m on the Beatles, some day I will reach Beethoven and maybe even the one who always reminds me of watercress sandwiches. Something with a C. Claudius? Cassius? No I’m pretty sure those are Shakespeare characters..DEBUSSY! Yes! Debussy! I was listening to Debussy the other day. I have no idea why he reminds me of watercress, but he does. My mind makes odd associations.

This is a random post because I have to somehow get back into writing mode post exams and absolutely Must rid myself of post-exam-anxiety/trauma-syndrome. This strange and Haw-some disease manifests itself in my daily life and drives me nuts. Pista nuts! ‘Cuz those are the ones I least prefer. Edible nuts by the way. Anyway, these days I’ll be watching a Gilmore Girls marathon and there will be the rumbly feeling in the pit of my stomach, which is not lack of food, ‘cuz I just had a lamb korma dish thing (very delish, dripping in oil). It’s the same sort of feeling that persistently haunted me throughout the first term of school (by which I Obviously mean university, pssht!) . It was the feeling that nagged me when I was loafing around on Facebook or reading ‘The Inscrutable Americans’ for the nth time instead of doing Early Transcendentals or learning the characteristics of methane producing Proteobacteria (and yes, for the less knowledgeable, there Are more than one kinds of bacteria – Behold my smug, smug smile). But the fact is that my exams have passed, so have I (results were out yesterday)- rather well in Early Transcendentals, if I do say so myself. So this feeling should have packed its bags and left by now. But it insists on hanging on like a needy ex who won’t stop mailing, at times when you’re trying to relax. Or like a persistent itch that you just canNOT reach. Speaking of ex’es. Last night I had this dream. Well, today morning, technically, since I have become a nocturnal animal. A late night partier, a Creature of the Night! Well, no, not really, actually it was talking on the phone till 4 a.m and watching Gilmore Girls reruns, but let’s ignore that part for the present. Anyway, so this dream. It involved myself taking two exams in a day, missing the first one, and running around in sheer terror looking for the location of the second one. Somehow I was running around in Jude this time however, which then transformed into a hospital. And then running into an ex of mine who told me in this conspiratorial whisper,”Did you know, I heard that someone was stupid enough to miss the first exam!”, accompanied with a gleeful smile. And then this ex proceeded to hit on another, may I add, unspectacularly pretty girl in the doorway of some blue painted door. Needless to say, it was Not a very nice dream. It must have been put together by a Boggart, since it preyed on my dislike of hospitals, my tendency to miss exams ( I missed my Physics final this term, Yes, it IS possible)and the sticky situation with the funny ex. And for those of you who do not know what a Boggart is, shame on you! Go read Harry Potter! I watched the sixth Harry Potter movie, by the way. I did Not like it and I’m glad I went for Kaminey instead. Ginny is too waif-like, and Harry’s expressions far too impassive. He should stick to humping horses, if you’ll excuse the crudeness.

Erm, now that I’ve told you about my dream, I shall proceed to tell you more riveting details about my incredibly fascinating life. I was ‘brb’ed today *shameful whisper* . Yes, I was. “brb” is something that I myself have done before, but never have I had it done to myself. It is something you do only strictly to ‘people-who-are-boring-you/ people-you-do-not-wish-to-talk-to’ and then shamelessly disappear for long intervals of time. So now I am ‘people- who-are-boring-you/ people-you-do-not-wish-to-talk-to’. I feel branded. Hester Prynne could not have felt more keenly the injustice and tragedy of her letter. Haw-ful !

I go now to learn how to bake chocolate brownies and decide between watching The Texas Chainsaw Massaccre and Sex and the City. Also to wash dishes. Anyone care to suggest remedies for the post-exam-anxiety- syndrome?
I just remembered this profound quote that somebody had said while with me, NOT to me. IT goes something like this: " Ooh! boobies!"

Tata.

The sound of silence

She screamed. The louder she screamed, the more alive she felt. They found her, an hour later, still screaming. She was clutching the body, they said. Her hair clinging in tendrils to her face, dripping with perspiration. She screamed, oblivious of the drops running down her nose, the sweat that drenched the back of her blouse and the unforgiving shameless stares and glares of the crowd that devoured her.
It was a hollow scream that seemed to go on for days or for a second. Desperate. And loud- as though she intended to wake the boy up with it. Wake herself up from this sudden nightmare she had been thrust into.
The people gathered, the crowd grew and still she screamed. She cradled the body, the face which could not be differentiated from the mud and grime that caked it. The boy had been dug out out the manhole five minutes ago. He had fallen in more than an hour ago, when she had started screaming for help. She kept screaming down to him, reassuring him that she was still there. He was afraid of the dark. He was fond of Cadbury. He was clumsy.
She screamed. She screamed till she stopped hearing his little voice from what seemed like miles below. She screamed his name after he stopped replying. She screamed till someone called the police.
Now that he was in her arms she screamed to drown out the silence. She screamed to drown out the piteous cries echoing in her head. The crowd had started to lessen. Already they had lost interest. And still, she screamed.

Slip inside the eye of your mind, don't you know you might find, A better place to play

So I found some of these from a somewhat typically girly emo site online. And emo-ish as some of them are, they do make sense or just randomly struck my fancy. So here they are for you to peruse and make you smile with recognition or make you go "Tch! How pretentious", depending on the kind of person you are. But I have thrown in some Woody Allen to make you laugh =)


1. It's funny how when you finally get over someone, you start seeing them in a whole new perspective. It's like you're looking at them through the eyes of your best friend, and you realize, he's nothing special. He's just another ordinary boy.
(I really like this one, cuz out of experience, I can say it's true. Unless of course the reason you got over them was because, you know, they died or moved away or something.)


2. Someday, someone is going to walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
( I really Hope this one is true)


3. "Do you know what happens when you hurt people?" Ammu said. "When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. they make people love you a little less."
(This one's from Arundhati Roy. Smart lady )


4. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. 
(Okay, so this one's from Darwin. But  being the Bio geek I am, I just had to put it in. And it applies!)


5. Nothing has turned out as we expected. It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is.
Gone With The Wind

(This needs no justification for being here. Scarlett O' Hara- One of the most selfish/selfless, hardheaded, obstinate, stubborn, strong, intelligent, flawed, passionate women to be written to life. One that I could not help loving.)

6.I think when you are young, you are hoping that this person will be the right one, the one you are going to be in love with forever. But sometimes you want that so much you create something that isn't really there.
-Johnny Depp
(Again, needs no justification. Johnny Depp= Demigod. Sex, no naked sex! And on the plus side, he hit the nail right on the head)


7. The expected is what we live for. The unexpected is what changes our lives.
(I'm not sure if this is true, but I like the sound of it. Sounds very impressive and momentous. The unexpected!  *flash of lightning and thunder*)

8. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."
-Audrey Hepburn
(I <3 this woman. In love would be more accurate actually. Roman Holiday. What a woman)


9. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
(Alright, so the dude is married to his step daughter and all that jazz. Yes, it's a little, alright, Very freaky, but Byron was called Mad Byron and was involved in incest and sodomy, so get over it already. The man makes movies like Matchpoint and comes up with stuff like this. We can overlook all the other stuff, as long as it's not us he's cheating on with the daughter.)


10. Don't chase me, if you're not prepared to catch me when I fall.
(Something that guys definitely Do need to have drilled into their thick heads.)


And with that, I'm done. I know I've been spewing out blog-post with very 'uncool' frequency lately, but I'm on the computer so often these days, I can't seem to help it. But I shall try to keep away for a bit, considering my final end sems start this Monday *interject expression of woe* Right now I'm happy though, cuz I found a sexed up Guns n Roses poster for ze blog, have just brought up 2 bite chocolate brownies to my room and ze bitchy roommate is home for the weekend. What joy =) Now I must utilize this joyousness by studying for the Microbio Lab exam. Oh well.
On a last note, Thanks to Trisha R. for listening to me that day when I first came across said girly quote site and for the long long, and I'm quite sure now, somewhat repetitive conversation. I <3 you SO much baby. Just, in case you DO read this, I thought you should know. Our's shall definitely be the happiest marriage =)

Perfecting the fine art of Pro-crass-tea-nation

Ways in which I idle away hours, minutes at a time. Ways you probably do too. Any other suggestions welcome :)

1. FACEBOOK. Caps is the equivalent of internet shouting and this point can't be emphasised enough. From alluring applications back when we were all in the tenth, and your name showing up in someone's "Top Friends" was a sign of how popular you were; to now when we seem to have fallen back into our second childhood or our first "gaiyyahood" (however you see it) and fill out things like "Who will you get married to" immediately followed up by 41 comments and several hours more spent on Facebook. IT has taken over our lives- if someones was plotting a secret conspiracy to make kids dumber and less productive or something, they couldn't have found a more effective way.

2. YOUTUBE. Again cannot be emphasised enough. Since University, when the maximum amount of my work, assignments and quizzes happen to be on the computer, somehow inexplicably i find this force taking over my fingers and sliding over to the tab marked youtube on my laptop! Amazing, but there it is. IT just bypasses the university webpage and double clicks on Youtube. And then there goes an hour or so watching Adam Lambert's latest, rediscovering Tubthumping by Chumbawumba and getting teary eyed- yes teary eyed, over Freaky Friday.

3. Sleeping. Now these days I don't actually do this a lot but when I do, I drop off in the late afternoon lying to myself that it will only be for an hour, put multiple alarms and calmly and a trifle irritatedly switch them off when they Do ring. Poor things, they try their best to rouse me through their snooze feature. But nothing really deters me from this uneccessary quota of sleep which then messes up my sleep cycle. And i wake groggily sometime around 7, feeling highly unproductive and still drowsy.

4. Making lists. Lists of shopping, to-do lists, lists of exams, lists of things i like, favourite people (and yes i actually Have done that), lists of good songs. Just lists. They're fun to do and give you all the satisfaction of having been organized and productive without actually having been either.

5. Downloading songs. Once I get started, I can't seem to resist checking out other interesting songs, artists, lyrics and while I Have discovered a whole lot of interesting music in these past few months, it hasn't exactly helped my grade point average.

6. Talking on the phone. To my mum, for a good quarter of an hour, to my wife for even longer. To left behind friends. To lots of people. And essentially spending hours and minutes (in phone currency) when I should Really be typing out that dratted Lab report.

7. Staring at the new wrinkles on your face in the mirror. Examining that line on your forehead- surely it was't there a month ago! Admiring the length of your hair, observing in horror the split ends- is hair even supposed to split into three?? Is that even Allowed?!

8. Reading. Reading Plath and Hughes instead of Brock and Madigan. Reading The Inscrutable Americans or The Little Prince for the 500th time instead of Cellular and Molecular Biology or Early Transcendentals.

9. Daydreaming. Daydreaming about Xs- real and fictional. Daydreaming about better times, built up times. Daydreaming about May. Living stories in my head. Flashforwarding to when I'm twenty five and living in New York City *I wish*.

10. Foodie dreams. Wondering what surprises the caf is going to throw up for dinner. Wondering if there's going to be lime roasted chicken. Salivating over memories of kosha mangsho and luchi, phoolkophi bhaaja, beguni, telebhaaja, dal makhani, paalak paneer, kakra, paneer chop *See , I'm doing it again*

11. Blogging. Read above. 'Nuff said. I've spent the last quarter of an hour writing this entry, interrupted by chatting with a guy I didn't really know all that well from school on Facebook, a phone call from my mum and one from my dad.

HA!

I just discovered six months too late that I had topped Biology in my 12th CBSE Boards in M.B.G. As cool as it is to google urself and find results popping up, confirming your existence on the internet, it is also a little disconcerting to find these random surprises thrown at you.
I never knew. So, right now I'm not sure what to feel- the time to make a hullabaloo about boards is long gone. Well, anyway, very belatedly- Ha! MBG- here's to the principal who referred to me as "girl with long nails", here's to the miserable periods in class I spent trying to figure out how to fit in with a crowd that spoke Hindi for 99.99% of the time, here's to the struggle and to all the times I felt stupid. Here's to Soumya- my angel that year, here's to the wooden desks and chairs that looked like they belonged in a an antiquarium or toystore and hurt my butt. Here's to the snotty principle who refused to give me a transcript containing predicted scores and cuz she didn't know what it was, here's to the last year of school life spent being the new girl. Here's to sticky tangy icy orange stick ice creams on sweaty blistering summer drenched days, here's to squashy puddles and splashy mud, here's to the ancient photocopy machine at the sweetshop, here's to the annoying 50 children in the van meant to seat 25. Here's to the Biology teacher Ms. Srivastav who made me feel a little less like an alien from outer space and actually found me endearing. Here's to finally sort of fitting and and struggling always against the other two Riddhi's to prove my worth.
Yes, this is incredibly late, and yes, I am now sitting in Canada, freezing my butt off with low blood pressure and a thousand deadlines looming up, a room change coming up cuz I'm 'girl who couldn't adjust with her roomie", but you know waht I'll say it anyway. Cuz it makes me feel like ultimately, I AM in control. And things will work out. 
So I'll say it MBG, loud and clear. Can you hear me?
HA!
HAhahaha!

"girl who came in with long fingernails . a.k.a girl who got called to the principal's office within a week of joining a.k.a biology topper.

Dear X

Dear X,
I'm done. I'm done running. And done wishing. I wish you well. I wish you'd had more faith. Or stupidity. Or courage. Or all three. I wish I'd had less. I wish I could take back everything. Or go back and hit the repeat button. But life doesn't come with a repeat button does it- a rewind button, that is? The only repeats it does seem to have are the infinitely foolish mistakes that we promise ourselves shall never be repeated again. What a fucking joke.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I'm done. I'm done with butterflies. Butterflies, that are so breathtakingly beautiful, intoxicating. Exciting. But they leave too much pollen dust behind. Sweet and bitter with an aftertaste that doesn't leave you. Stays behind for days, gets into your mouth, into the recesses of your mind, into the crevices of your neck and the smooth curves of your body. Very inconvenient. So now I'm trying to brush it off, dust off my shoulder and breathe in, ignoring the sweet remains that linger on my breath.
I wish, I wish that I had more time, I wish you could be mine, I wish there were lyrics that didn't sound sappy, I wish I could be happy. I wish Cobain was alive, and that I had more drive. Ah, well.
This isn't really a note to you of course; it isn't even one to myself. I'm not really sure why I'm writing it, except that I guess I need to get it out. Purge, purify. And then forget, or dullen. I know that given time it will happen. I know that at some point, maybe even very soon, I will genuinely be happy again and move ahead. And for some reason the thought makes me even sadder. Melancholic , if you will. I feel then, like nothing matters. And things move on anyway. All the things that we hold important, or the stupid mundane little trials of our life that seem to consume us, are after all, then just bits of stuff and fluff. And fluff never had any importance. The very thought that I shall move on, makes me lose faith in the magic, the sanctity of things. I feel like whatever happens, everyone winds up fine anyway- jigsaw pieces, that somehow fit. This will not make sense to most people, most normal people who don't over analyse and scrutinize and melodramatise. But if life really does move on, despite everything and everyone, where's the magic? Where's the unique pattern? Where's the "how it's supposed to be, meant to be", where's the fucking Beauty?
I suppose this is stupid. I've fallen into the rut of those typical novel heroines who sit and moan and write letters to their long lost lovers that they never send. Phssht. I console myself with the thought that this isn't one of those letters and that it isn't to a long lost lover. Sadly, never-found seems to be nearer the mark. Either way, point is, I've definitely done stupider things.
Point is, there is no point. X, *sigh* there's so much we aren't allowed to say. It's kind of tiring trying to keep up facades of normalcy- even facades which probably aren't facades. It's harder 'cuz there really isn't anyone to blame. It's hard to know what I'm missing out on, 'cuz it never happened. All that I've got to hold on to is a feeling of wistfulness and an unfair longing for something that isn't real. I think indifference scares me more than anything else. Indifference and normalcy.
It's kind of funny X, but you make even Enrique bearable. I'm done, X. And I really would be,
But do you have to let it linger?

Contrast

" Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know" 

                                                        - Home, Micheal Buble

This is an excerpt from a conversation I had with a friend from back home.

arunavab: hm

its sunday here

lazy one

week before kalipujo.

streets are lined with baji sellers

and its a mellow autumn sun

with kashphool around

Riddhi: bah...ki shundor

i miss the smell

arunavab: what is it like in the cold country?

Riddhi: it is fall...

the trees vary from bare bodied and scraggly

with branches that lean out and stretch towards u,looking somehow naked and pathetic

to overbearing hues of golden

red

yellow

and a green that is slowly transforming into yellow.

wherever you step, there are leaves cushioning the floor, and twigs.

the sky is generally clear blue with a mass of very white clouds on the horizon

the grass is lush green, well tended and wet with dew which dampens my sneakers as i walk trhough them carrying a cup of coffee in one hand and my satchel in the other.

the weather is temperamental,

ranging from pleasant breeze and sunshine today morning

to gloomy desolate skies with gray rain and purple clouds

to freezing wet dead siletn cold that drills into your bones

to the wind

which doesn't stop

and leaves you breathless.

the canadian geese are always found on the lake, sometimes carelessly blocking your path back to your residence.

and sometimes just occasionally as i come out of my residence

towards the right where the canal is,

a hawk occasionally sits and pins you with a fierce glare.

Because I'm just in that kind of a mood

Kailash Kher drives me crazy. Over and over again. There's just something rustic about his voice , and I use this phrase again, it pierces straight to the core. At least for me, it touches something deep down inside there. Polished with intensive classical 'murkiya's and "harkatein"s, yet raw and unpolished at the same time. I think a great deal of his appeal lies in the fact that his voice isn't too smooth, doesn't slide over you, but penetrates deep inside, and resounds for quite some time after. For me, personally, having a Hindustani classical connection myself, perhaps it's the inevitable semi classical element of his songs which holds a certain percentage of the appeal. But that aside, I find his voice never fails to move me. And whenever he does come out with a new song, i find it refreshing and on repeat on my playlist for a month at least, after which at some point I surface for air and  probably head back to ye old GnR =)
Why the sudden declaration of love for Kailash Kher? His new song, 'Tu jaane na ' from 'Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani'. Quite obviously, I'm in love with it at the moment- in fact guess what's playing on Windows media player as I type this ..
So, the voice, of course, there's no getting away from his voice. And then, for this particular song, there are the lyrics, which let's just say have a personal connect for me, at the moment at least- you know when some lines seem to be tailor-made for you? Though, of course there are probably fifty thousand people right now who feel like this song was written for them. I leave you with the lyrics of the song while I romanticize and read my Spectrometry report for Molecular Bio Lab tomorrow. Fascinating, no =P

Kaise Batayein,
Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,
Yaara bata na Paaye

Baatein dil o ki,
Dekho Jo Baaki,
Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye

mil ke bhi,

Hum na Mile,
tumse na jaane Kyu,
Milo ke hai Fansle..

Hum pass ho ke bhi,

tum aas ho ke bhi,
ehsaas ho ke bhi…
apne nahi..
aise hai hum ko gileh..
tumse najaane kyu..

meelo ke hai fansle

tum se na jaane kyu..

tu jaane na..
Khyalon mein laakohn baatein,

yu toh keh gaya,

bola kuch na tere sahmney..

hue na begaane bhi tum hoke,
aur dekho tum mere hi na bane..
afsos hota hai,
dil bhi yeh rota hai

Sapne sanjota hoa..
pagla hua,
soche yeh..
hum the mile
tume se na jaane kyu,

meelo ke hai fansle
tum se na jaane kyu..
anjaane hai silsile,
tumse najaane kyu,
sapne hai palko tale,
tumse najaane kyu..

Kaise Batayein,
Kyu Tujh ko Chahe,
Yaara bata na Paaye

Baatein dil o ki,
Dekho Jo Baaki,
Aankhein tujhe Samjhaye

Tu Jaane Na,
Tu Jaane Na...

<3 <3

Procrastination

I feel content today. Suddenly. I'm not sure why.
I ignore the fact that I have a Calculus midterm on Monday and enjoy my lazy Saturday. Saturdays come too few and far in between and end in the blink of an eye. Then back to bedlam, back the madhouse and the grind. And no, I don't work in a big city office in a dirty little town, I'm merely talking about University. No time to breathe- 24 hours not enough in a day- sleep is a luxury- confusing- consuming- University.
We had our Physics midterm yesterday. Haha. It wasn't funny. That was just the mirthless laugh of someone who knows that they're probably failing, but it's alright, because so is half the class. Considering the average last year was 40% and my psychic powers don't go as far as predicting whether a car will land 8.8 metres -or (e) none of the above- away from the edge of a cliff once it was foolish enough to fall off it in the first place, I figure I shall probably scrape through. With some luck.
Luck. I've always for some obscure reason instinctively felt like I have an extraordinary amount of luck. When I fall into a mess, it always blows over, and there are chocolate chip cookies and people along the way to tide me over it. If I want something I generally get it, be it getting into the top English department in Asia or freezing in a strange cold land far far away (eh? ). If I find myself crushing on someone, by some odd twist of fate, they generally turn out to like me back. Of course, the fact that I inevitably have to move to a land far far away, just as things are getting nice and cosy is another story. When I forget the room number of the Lab I'm running to, some kind stranger always allows the strange girl with flushed cheeks, messy hair and wild eyes to access their computer. OR maybe they're not actually kind, just scared. If want a makeup set that I'm never going to use, someone gifts it to me. Or I accidentally bump into it by mistake so that it gets chipped and then my mother has to buy it for me. If there's a movie I have been waiting to watch forever, a recently made new friend turns out to have a copy of the rare CD. When I stumble and fall, there's always someone there to pick me up. Or at least watch, cross their fingers and pray from afar. And I've always had good, no, great friends. Stumbled across them, clung on and never let go. Thankfully, they haven't complained. For some unfathomable reason they seem to like making my life happier. I have a family that's endured my erratic and confused temperament and forays into unknown territories. I have people who've got my back.
Life's good.  Yes, I've been undeniably lucky. You know how they say when you're feeling down count your blessings? Well, I just sort of did and turns out that there are way too many to count. Utter gratitude to God or lady fortune.
Fell off  to sleep last night feeling utterly unhappy with the world and with myself and where I was. You see, eavesdropping on someone saying nice things about you when they don't know you're around is infinitely nicer than hearing a group of people bitch about you. Right outside your door. Where you can hear every word. Strangely though, the first thought that struck me when they did get done with the laughter and shrieks of "Omg, yea, isn't that weird", was that this is probably a good thing, cuz it taught me never to bitch about someone. Even randomly. The girl who sits in the corner, the guy with the polka dotted pants, the one who annoyingly hangs around trying to be friends. Cuz even the people who don't matter, do matter. I know that this sounds cliched, but it's sort of a 'you had to be there' thing. The resentment and embarrassment don't even come close to the hurt. So no, girls don't *have* to be bitchy. And you never know, that person could well turn out to be the next Jhumpa Lahiri or Marie Curie. Or you know, Superman!
Another thing I've discovered is "Buri nazar" really does work. Just the other day, a floormate of mine commented on my clear skin saying " I don't get it, what do you do, your face is completely clear". I replied with the fact that I had no routine unless forgetting to wash your face, 3 cups of coffee and last minute late nights counted. Also, no make-up. The next day I developed a pimple. After more than three months. I don't generally get pimples, having been blessed with clear skin. But when I do, ye Gods, it's going to be just the one pimple. Huge and painful. And most importantly, prominent. I couldn't feel more awkward and unnattractive if I was walking around with a Rudolph style red nose. Goddamn that, 'buri nazar'. On hindsight I realize, that you're probably not supposed to discuss acne on a public blog, but oh, what the hell. It's  my blog and I've never exactly been very politically correct.
I spoke to a good friend today. A best friend actually. We had a three and half hour conversation, punctuated with a few tears, laughter, ultrasonic squealing, "deep" discussions, sensitive issues, cries and moans and lots and lots of love. It made me happy.
Despite the ugly pimple and the shitload of work. Despite my midterms and despite them goddamn haters.
I feel the laou and I like.
<3 to the Transatlantic ting-tings, strawberry cheesecake to you all.
Gratitude to someone up there.
I'm going to do some Calculus.

You

You

Are the only reason that I need

The only reason why I breathe

For why I'm going on this way

Always hoping for a brighter day.

You’re the reason that I wish

That every wish of yours’ comes true

You

Are the reason

That I want to be with

You.

I’m grateful

And I’m hoping

That soon the day will come

When I will see your face again,

And in the darkness of the day

Where comfort needs no cover of night,

In the velvet richness beneath leaves

We shall meet

And I shall spend some time

In the company of mist and dew

And

You.

Blood and hurt shall fade away,

As shall tales of misery

When darling, I shall see your face

And light up with the sheer bliss

Of being close to

You.

With every smile

And every look,

You win my heart over and over again

But darling, what is there to win,

When all of me

Belongs, you see

To

You.

Words would be superfluous,

There is no need for show

My darling, wherever you may be

Is the only place I want to go.

Thoughts and dreams are very well

But I’ve been craving reality.

A place where we both can be

And no one else but me and

You.

2.30 a.m and I feel compelled to write

Alright, so I know this isn't original. But came across it on the net, and couldn't resist posting it. Brilliantly funny and completely sees through the most uninspired, unoriginal plot that ever captured the hearts of millions of girls, and some unfortunate guys worldwide. I believe the term used is "teenyboppers".

" 'I love you Edward Cullen' said Bella, her heart pounding as she stared at his eyes like she did every other page without fail.
'I love you too' he said, catching her as she gracefully fell over a beetle. But Edward, who ruined everything, caught her so she didn't die.
'I want to marry you, then we can have sex' she said.
Edward didn't voice his opinions about how forward that was, or that he would break her pelvis, or that because he was one hundred and seven he had erectile dysfunction. Instead he just kissed her.
Then the police came and arrested him because, come on, he was ninety years older than her and it was all a bit dodgy and illegal. The end.

(You know that was better than Stephenie's Meyer's ending. You know it.)"
-


Side note- Stephanie Meyer is a Genius. Hallelujah. She earned big bucks with this unoriginal piece of groundbreaking disgrace to the entire vampire community- think Dracula, Lestat and vampires who don't  'sparkle'. She deserves R.E.S.P.E.C.T , right up there with a certain Paris Hilton who gained fame and celebrity for being, oh yes- rich, blonde and ditzy.
Side side note- Meyer's "Host" isn't nearly half as bad. I actually thought it came pretty near being good despite banking on a completely unrealistic predictable ending and a character that somehow manages to be an angel landed on earth, quite literally, despite being an evil mind stealing alien.

The definition of teenybopper borrowed from Urban Dictionary- I love that site!

teeny bopper

Stupid girls of ages 10-14 who squeal and giggle so much that Satan is willing to drag them back to hell. They brag about their boyfriends and show them off during lunch by sitting in a table full of shitty stupid 'couples'. They like pink and listen to stupid bubblegum pop and think they are teenagers and try to hard to act like them. They cry when they see a pimple...FOR FUCKIN SAKE ITS JUST A PIMPLE!!! IT'LL GO AWAY AND WHO THE HELL WILL CARE IF YOU HAVE A PIMPLE!!!??? They think they're all that and dress in pink, purple, mini-skirts, and T-shirts that say, 'Pop princess', or 'Ms. Attitude' and other crap like that. They like typing like this: 'l00k AnN I hAvE a NeW cElL!!! I kAn sLeEp OvEr yay!!! Like We CaN caLl up the B0iZ and pAiNt oUr naILz!!! g2g bi!!!!' it is so annoying. They think they're all that just because they have 'boyfriends'. They don't know the true definition of that word. They often write in their online journals, 'I lOvE jAsOn hE iS sO HotT I waNna Kiz hiM!!!!' When asked about their favorite hobby, they all scream like sluts, "SHOPPING!!!!" Bopper: Hi WuSsUp hOmIe??? Me: You boppers suck serious ass. O_o

On another note, I have fallen in love with Lifehouse all over again. Admittedly my own, somewhat complicated and confused emotions that I'm too afraid to make sense of at the moment, may have something to do with it. But still, their songs are wonderful. And their lyrics, may not have the genius of Pink Floyd or change the world. But putting it in slightly corny language, they "speak to me". Make such complete sense. I've always preferred simple writing that manages to reach to the core. You don't really need great vocabulary or grandiose language to make a point or leave an imprint.
I leave you now with a few lines of theirs' .


"The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
Is there healing?
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay... "


P.S- I freaking LOVE my friends. You guys keep me alive. T.R , S.Y. You know who you are. I love you. 'Nuff said. Also to newfound friends here, who are self proclaimed family. Though I know they wouldn't have the patience to read this, means much. Much much.

Daydreams and Kisses

 "Kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor

 Lift up your open hand

 Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance

 Silver moon's sparkling,

 So kiss me"

                          - Kiss Me: Sixpence None the Richer

I've recently discovered this song that's apparently been around for ages. It's called "Kiss Me" and it's by a band quirkily titled Sixpence None the Richer. This song has apparently been doing the rounds since the nineties when it shot to fame after being featured on an episode of Dawson's Creek. For the less informed, this was the episode where Dawson and Joey had their first kiss. (Cue to say "Aww" or put your hand to your heart with a beatific smile, remembering your teenage days- or if you're not a teenager dream utterly unrealistic dreams of what teenage is like). So, as I was saying Dawson and Joey had their first kiss and teenyboppers all over the world fell in love- some with that cute guy who sat in front of them and occasionally asked for a pencil in Math class, some with Dawson and some with Tom Cruise( till flash forward a few years later when he would begin eating said Joey aka Katie Holmes, his wife's placenta and  jumping on couches to declare his undying love).

I fell in love with this song a few days ago after a tumultous shift to the land of- snow, co-ed dorms, maple trees, where "sick" = "cool", guys who think you want their random freaking bodies grinding against you without prior permission, girls who think that this is normal, vegetarianism and obsession with healthy eating, curly fries, meat and more junk food than you've seen in your life, mobile companies who charge you for more operations than you knew your cell phone could perform (incoming, outgoing, messaging, caller id- i kid you not, they charge you for seeing the freaking number of the person who's calling you- in retrospect this is probably why movies like 'When a Stranger Calls' are such big hits), stereotypes, courtsey, an unseemly obsession with privacy- where a parent is not allowed to know the password or access details of their kid's bank account, even if said kid is sitting with them in the manager's office, helpful strangers, complete ignorance of other countries- "So , if you like, are Indian, how come, you like, speak English?" -and the sad part is, this is actually a completely innoccent question. The land of convenience and convenience stores which go on for miles showing you endless variety when all the while all you want is a freaking granola bar- "Would you like trail mix, blueberry, cranberry, mixed berry, fruit and nut, honey and nut, low fat, high protein...".  Where everyone including the guy from the phone company greets you with a bright smile and a "How you doing?" -not Joey Tribbiani style and says goodbye with " Have a great day" and then promptly forgets your very existence. Where you don't know your neighbour and this is exactly the way they would like to keep it, where people, especially female people have the capactiy to roam around in flimsy shorts that end before they begin in freezing weather yet wear sweaters and layers of sweatshirts on top. The land of opportunity, the passport to a successful career and recognition. The land where I'm going to live for five years.

But, I digress. More accurately i got caught up in my chief preoccupation these days- wondering about the place I've landed up in voluntarily and the results that my five year stay is going to bring about. Anyway, coming back to the song. I love it. It has this beautiful, perfect magical feel to it- like how you would like your story to go, how things would happen if the guy actually knew what to do and what to say. If somehow magically everything turned pretty and lyrical and you got that perfect kiss- and then some,from the perfect guy, at the perfect place, at the perfect time. And somehow magically, you didn't have to rush home to catch that plane that takes you far away the next day. Or in Dawson's case, the girl falling for your best friend. Anyhoo- that's life. Un-perfect. Unpredictable. For now, I shall trust that perhaps there is some method to the madness. I shall find the lyricism in the chaos and paint daydreams with accompanying 'perfect' background music playing in my head as I trudge up the road to my morning classes in the crisp cold fall. And I'll be happy. 

Snapshots

This is a look back on the past two months of my life which have been like nothing before. Other than the Canada/ Calcutta dilemma and all the other jazz, a major part of these two months has been amazingly fun. Mainly due to some awesome new people I met.

So, in random order, the people who have made Joo and the past two months what they’ve been -

Anuj- The only person I know who makes antifeminist, racist jokes and manages to look adorable throughout. Cracks up and laughs the hardest at his own jokes, sports a ‘cat got the cream expression’ afterwards which is why we laugh at the jokes in the first place. Seems to have money most of the time and not stingy, always a plus point. Initial intro to Jude was ‘3 piercing guy who gives out free fags’. Also he calls me Juno, so I like him

Dhruva- Intimidating in so many ways, completely sweet, yet intensely likeable and somehow, you wind up wanting him to like you as well. Oh, and I mean this very platonically, for those who think I make inappropriate statements. Shy knows what I mean. Brilliant songs by the way plus theatre plus guitar plus he’s in Jude, so obviously he’s not just a dumb f*** ..I shall stop listing his accomplishments now before I develop an inferiority complex.

Rudrani- Random facial expressions, genuine-ness, an “I don’t give a shit what people I don’t particularly care about think of me” attitude and the capacity to remember and sing countless purono Hindi gaan, especially Mohd Rafi, with modifications of her own. And somehow, woman manages to know everyone, or at least Something about everyone, which despite being kinda creepy, is also kinda cool. I’ve always gotten the vague impression of Rudrani being a tree with creepers creeping along and making contacts with, um…basically, all of humanity. Or Calcutta. Same thing.

Anushka- My twin in so, so many ways, we share the randomest ‘things’ ;) and opinions about the randomest things in common, the person who more or less started me off on my serious love for poetry ( mad louve), someone who’s dressing sense I admire, and the Only other person I’ve met who looks at colours as clothes. Conflicted Capricorn, smudged kajal, supersonic Bubble voice and an incredibly mishti Mishtu. Will be much missed.

Hash- Confident, Hawwt and very, very tall. Honestly, I had expected this chick to be a typical bitchy airhead. But no, she’s got to be brainy as well. Eco honours, wouldn’t you know it. Gets selected for competitions, wins around 150, goes around like an excited 10 year old telling us about it at least 50 times and then treats us all at the staff canteen. I admit to having freeloaded off her, more than my fair share. Generous and very unexpectedly sweet- many many thanks for the taxi ride and the drop off home, when I was, um…’spinning’. This is one kickass babe.

Piu- Someone I never really got to know very well, mostly due to the initial groupism. Nonetheless, can vouch for her brilliant taste in poetry, classy dress sense and somehow, I don’t know how to put it but- the sort of mysteriously interesting impression she gives off, which doesn’t come off at first glance. There are many layers to Piu, as I have been starting to realize recently. Would have loved to stay and discover more (in a purely non-perverted sense, and this means you, Anuj and Trisha) but either way, I Do know she’s a sweetheart and much love for the support post breakup.

Trisha and Shy- Don’t know what to say, and don’t know how to say it. Words cannot express what our friendship means to me and how it has touched my life and my stay in college in this short space of time. Like Shy put it once during one of our many trips to the staff canteen, this 3 girl crew was almost too good to be true. We started off after surprisingly initial bad impressions, on a bond that goes deeper than blood- Shopping! New market will never be just New Market after our Saturdays there. I shall never have Chicken Kabiraji without remembering “War! War on the meat!” or say “I shall” without remembering what started me off. Lazy afternoons spent bunking tutorials with Shy, being shushed by Trisha in class while she devours everything Tintin Da says while leching at his ears, long walks to the S9, sitting in the bus seat discussing everything that’s bothering us and everything that shouldn’t, jumping off just in time as the driver presses the gear saying, “Ami jabona!”, much to the ire of the bus-driver, laughing non-stop for 3 hours straight even at green traffic signals, the Ding Dong song, our manifestations of happiness in our fingers, same-same bottles, our mutual hatred of anyone that pisses one of us off, being taken to the Tequip building for bodily functions when all I could do was stumble and fall, grinning and dozing simultaneously, countless hugs when I’ve been down, talking me through my “lowness” and hysterical crying, Trisha’s foot fetish, Shy putting her hand over my mouth so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself, the movie like evening on the worldview steps where the last song played by the sadistic yet talented background music providing seniors ( I still think they were doing it purposely), the last day when their ‘ahem’ self defense mechanisms kicked in, nonetheless leading to tears all the same. Way too many memories that I shall never forget.

Trisha- Kickass, brilliant, pretty (no matter what she thinks) and pretty vulnerable without the armour, tough, completely sweet, way, way, way too hardworking and paranoid about her notes, her folders, her story, her deadlines, her rank- for her own good, protective, talented, the only semblance of sanity in our group, especially when me and Shy are too busy laughing hysterically at green traffic signals. The person who does the best “Oh, no you did NOT!” amongst all the people I know, the person who introduced me to it, though by her own admission I’m too nice to ever do it the way Shy and her do it- still we get past these glitches by sleeping with each other, stalking each other and getting married to each other, as Facebook would have the world believe. Love you Trisha.

Shy- Completely adorable, the only person who shares my ability to laugh non-stop for no reason, the person who came up with the original happy hand movements, the creator of “Be jealous , be very jealous” and “Streak of Blue”, which Shall be made someday, talented, pretty, has the annoying habit of complaining about being so petite and tiny and skinny that it’s hard to find clothes- word of advice- SHUT UP! Watcher of movies like ‘Bring it on!’ and one of the very select few I’ve met other than myself who actually know, memorize and sign songs like the Nirma jingle, the Ding Dong song…Shy in fact goes one step further and has this cheerleader chant going “I’m pretty, I’m cute, I’m popular to boot. “ No, no she didn’t make it up; this is from the movie ‘Bring it on’. And before I forget, the most gorgeous eyes! Love you Shahana

Now I know the both of them have already taken up more space in this note than their fair share but when it comes to saying what they mean to me, I’m lost. So all I shall say -and you see, this annoying habit of saying ‘shall’ is ALL your fault Shy. (Thanks to you the Canadians shall point at me, stare and laugh!) . As I was saying, all I shall say is I love you guys. To death and beyond (I bet Facebook retaliates with a ‘Who will haunt you beyond the grave-bot’). <3

Posso- Very incredibly sweet, one of the sweetest guys I’ve met- he actually loaned me his slippers and walked barefoot when my demonic high heels were murdering my feet- no thanks to a certain D’Costa *scowls*. I think the first person to start calling me Phoebe, which I’ve now accepted after the prerequisite amount of grumbling, Somehow he’s the only person I always manage to see, roaming around doing absolutely nothing in college, not to say that the rest of us aren’t jobless 'cuz we totally are- just that somehow I’ve never ever seen Posso doing classes! Very pullable cheeks and shows the most adorable self satisfied ‘cat got the cream’ expression when said cheeks are pulled. Oh, and the last time we met, and the first time he came over to my place, he gave my bathroom a special inauguration of sorts. Tends to be very highly filmy when tipsy, all the while remaining considerate and sweet.

Pablo- Yet another person about whom I’m not sure what to say. Started out by thinking he was the most annoying kinda vampie-ish sorta cute looking guy with the mentality of a ‘kaowra’ fifth grader. Complete bachha. Major M.C.P, and for a feminist like me, that didn’t really help his impression. Also, lack of basic chivalry! Actually, nothing much has changed since then, except now, a certain impression I had of Scrooge as being ‘Da C***s**r’ has changed. Totally. And, I actually miss the stupid things he does like dropping my bag, which was by the way, VERY irritating at the time. Or the indecipherable expressions he dons when I start rambling or speak very fast. And the endless walking. And the ‘doing nothing at all’ in the Green Zone, South City and the like. The great cake massacre and the way the people at the Kookie Jar counter looked at us, as though we were complete lunatics.

So, basically now, I’ll be looking forward to May when we shall meet again and say- Hi.

KD- The one and only Tralala man. Yes, we shall shoot the video some day! Wicked sense of humour and not at all what I would imagine a chemical engineering student (of Joo, not less) to be, from the usual engineering stereotype that I had been made to expect thanks to all the time I spent at a certain place called FIITJEE. Had already been hanging out with him for quite a while when I discovered his WBJEE rank and realized, “Daym, I hang out with smart people!” Also he gives me hope that people studying Science can retain their sense of humour, individuality and actually turn out to be pretty cool. So all you artsy types, the Science geek is a myth. So there! KD introduced me to several wonderful concepts such as the Cookie Man and The Zone which I’m sure shall help me in my future endeavors. So, as Trisha said, (though when she was not entirely sober), KD, you da man.

Anumita- Complete and utter sweetheart. What can I say? I love this girl. I love her style of dressing, the utterly funky handbags she carries around and her messed up ponytail too. I love her warm hugs and her uncanny ability to get along with um, most people. I love her taste in movies and her love for Heath Ledger. I love the fact that she Always has chocs handy, very useful when you’re feeling down. I love her puppy dog face, and yes, Onoo- I SHALL upload the pic someday. One of the sweetest people I know at Joo, I louve her and so I even attempt to like her “younger brother’ Toto, despite the evil comments he makes about certain unfortunate pictures of mine- It was the light, I swear, I don’t really look like that!

Will miss you tons Onoo.

Other people who merit mention here,

Arunava- For the pats on the head, the creepy stares, the bright huge KC Paul er chaata and the highly sweet cheering up before I left.

Jijo- For the inappropriate comments, expressions and actions. Oh what the hell, for being Jijo.

Sreejeeta, Shashank, Sreyashi, Ritwik,Shabba, Rukmini,Aditya (if only for the incredulous stares he gave me and Shy during our uncontrollable laughter phase and the Jason tales) – For adding to the fun.

Suki Di- For all the support, literal and otherwise when I was not in the best frame of mind.

Upasana- Because I think you’re cool.

Have loved every moment of Jude and Joo and outside Joo in general. Wouldn’t have been possible without y’all. Lotta firsts, lotta fun, lotta love. Will miss you guys way more than you can imagine. Till May it is then.

Louve <3

Haze Fire

You push me this way and that
Forming, then breaking my ideas
You mould and shatter my opinions
With the ease, that you cannot show with you own

Till my thoughs have lost their meaning
And meaning is lost to senses
I can’t reach
Swirling like a whirlpool-
My thoughts
They hide elusive,
Out of reach
Tantalizing
Tempting
Mocking me in my confusion.

I see only mists everywhere
And smoke and denser steam
And fog
And vapour
And all things unclear
Vaguely roam in my head
Disjoint phrases like “responsibility”
“selfish”
Selfish?
Who, me?
Must be,
There isn’t anyone else around

If I only knew what was what
What I want
What is right
Or wrong
What I want.
What should I want?
Does it matter?
Should it?

And I’m alone in this place
Where shapes keep dissolving
And I can’t hold on to anything anymore
I’ve been tossed and turned so very much
Like a ship without an anchor
A boat that;s lost it rudder
I’m spinning
And veering
Wildly, out of control.
Drowning, and gasping
Grasping-
There’s nothing there
Elusive, just elusive

You’re tired of listening
To my never-ending quandary
You’re not listening
You hear me
And with such utter confidence
Give me the answer
It’s so simple really!
Quite, quite silly of me not to figure it out
Nonetheless, it’s solved now
And I should just accept things
Then I’ll be at peace.
You hear me
And you speak
Words that sound like
Noise.
Discordant clangs,
That make all too much of sense.

I’m tired.
So, so tired.
Can’t argue
Anymore
With myself, with you.
I submit.
You’re right.
Does that make you happy?
I’m done.
I want to forget
All of this,
Everything!
Pretend like it never happened.
Then I could almost be
Happy,
I suppose.
Does it matter?
You say it does
You say so many things.
It’s funny how
You actually even mean them.

I wish I could sleep
For a long, long time
Leave me
Alone
Here
By myself
Please.
Just, stop talking.
I’d like to be quiet
For a while.
For a long while
Blessed rest!
Till I’m at peace
And I can breathe.
I’m here
Now.
Are you happy?

Forever

Forever's in a moment
When I look at you, asleep and unaware
When I catch you stealing a glance at me
When our eyes meet across a crowded room
When you take my hand in a crowd- unashamed and I feel proud,
Forever's there.

Forever's in the moment
When our eyes meet in a secret smile we share
In a walk in a sudden summer shower
In a stolen kiss
In your arms, where I feel safe,
Forever's there.

Forever's in your smile
Just that- your perfect smile.
In the way your eyes crinkle, and that smile comes, a little at a time.
Forever's in the way you laugh
Openly and unafraid- like you mean it.
And the way you look at me
Like you care, like i matter,
Forever's there.

Forever's in the moments we've spent together
All of them, taken together
Enough to build a lifetime with.
Forever's in the memories we've made.
Forever's in right now,
Right here.
When I'm thinking of you,
Forever's there.

And when we don't see each other anymore
If our lives don't entwine
We'll always have forever,
Forever's mine.

Musings at 2 a.m

2 a.m in the morning at the start of a brand new month and I can't get any sleep. After trying the time tested method of counting sheep, I'm still wide awake. Admitted, sheep are exceedingly boring creatures- all they do is eat grass and baa- occasionally inspiring the odd nursery rhyme or giving a name to the "wild 'un" of the family. Granted, all their grey-white fleece, their meek natures and their unwavering faith in the shepherd have inspired millions over the ages and embodied Christian ideals; but the fact remains that they cannot lull me to sleep.
My mind insists on wandering from sheep to the pasta i had for dinner tonight to my brother's astonishing capacity to watch an entire Hannah Montana marathon earlier this evening. Now this might qualify as normal behaviour, coming from a sixth grader, but my brother is in the eight. He proudly carries around the beginnings of a moustache on his upper lip and a small red pimple adorns his nose. His voice has started to break and the callers on the telephone no longer confuse his voice with mine. He has started nursing affections for girls his age who no longer seem "gross" or "dumb" to him but appear to be creatures whom he intends to awe with all the wit and sophistication posessed by a 13 year old. Thus my surprise at his sudden lapse in 'eight grade aloofnes this evening.
Now for the uninitiated, this is not a normal occurence- my brother is normally inclined to WWE and all that is John Cena or at least anything that involves men running around with bats and balls. However tonight, trapped in the freezing comfort of an aunt's bedroom my brother for some reason decided to indulge his -er- feminine side, munching happily on crackers and garlic spread, while I spent my time trying to understand William Blake and ignoring the annoyingly catchy chorus that kept cropping up at regular intervals ("You get the best of both worlds......Superstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!") which has since then taken bup residence in my head and refused to leave.
Fighting its way through the background music in my head rises the thought that my little brother is growing up. Apart from the obvious - extra hair, and great quantities of it- he's transformed into someone who often lapses into moody silences, who prefers solitude to spending time with his Didi and who no longer thinks that everything I do is cool. He no longer apes my sense of humour, my way of speaking or my choice of TV programs. He's becoming someone quite different from the little boy I used to know, with spiky hair and a ready smile. He doesn't share all his secrets with me and uses certain words at his age with a nonchalance that leaves me speechless. My mother often tries to drive into us the fact that we are growing apart. A fact that my brother tries to ignore with his self- assured bratty smirk and that I cover up with my hectic schedule of college-friends-work. We both know she's right though, and I sometimes wonder if this is how it's supposed to happen. If after the intial closeness shared by us, we're supposed to grow apart.
These days we hardly see each other and our encounters at home don't include much conversation. The little interaction we do seem to have is generally limited to phrases like "Loser", "Don't snitch to Mum!", "Gimme the remote!", "Did YOU eat the last cookie?!"..
Not muich scope for heart to hearts, and even if there were, I doubt that we would have them. But sometimes, I can't help wishing that even as we continue to gorw and change, we'll stay connected. And then I come across evenings like today- where my brother abandons his coolness, I abandon the mobile phone and for a while, we bridge the gap, laughing at some blonde bimbette with a Southern twang, pretending like she can actually play the guitar.
It's 3 a.m in the morning and I should get some sleep. I shall ignore the lizard which is surreptitiously making its way over to my bed, put on my headphones and try to drown out the Hannah Montana theme song playing in my head with some Def Lepard. Hopefully I shall succeed. If not, I could always count sheep.